Saturday (12.9.23) we got Tacen's tree ready and took it to the cemetery. Tyg loved the cars on his tree. I couldn't find the start this year, so we improvised and added a snowflake on top. We all went to take it. Tyg loved driving a car on his headstone this year which feels so fitting. Tacen would have loved that too. I can see glimpses of Tacen in Tyg and I love the sweet reminder that they are brothers. We got it all staked down. Sure love and miss that boy!
Dearest Tacen,
It's been 11 years today since you returned to heaven! 11 years without you and it often feels like another lifetime that you were here with us. Oh how we miss you and can't wait to be reunited with you someday. The kids talk about and love you and it warms my heart when they bring you up. Iszella left her seat belt buckled in our expedition and it tells you which buckles are buckled and which are not. I went to drive by myself this week and hers was buckled along with mine. When I was asking her about it, she simply said, "mom it was Tacen." It made me smile. I know it's silly, but I love that she thought of you. The kids often talk about how we have one more seat for Tacen in our expedition.
We talk about how losing Tacen has changed us. It's leaves it mark. One of those is that we realize often how short life is. We realize that life can change on a dime. If eel like we hold our other kids a little closer or makes choices to do things all together because you just never know. I'm thankful for the reminder of this in our Tacen. I'm thankful for the light he brought with that continues to still touch our lives.
I'll forever have the moments where I wish Tacen was here or wondering what things would be like to have a 13 year old. Wondering what he'd be doing in school, what his interests would be and how he might get along with our other kids. But I will also be forever grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and his perfect plan of happiness that promises that one day I'll be with him again. One day everything will be made right. I hold on tight to those promises. We sure love you sweet boy. We miss you always. Keep shining on us from heaven!
Love,
Mom
Dearest Tacen-
You should be a teenager today! 13! I can't believe you would be that old. I always find myself wondering what your interests would be now, who you would be. Sometimes it makes me so sad missing you! I wish so much you were here with us celebrating your special day! Your birthday fell on Sunday (7.2.23) this year, so we partied hard at the lake on Saturday (7.1.23) doing all the water things. Your littlest brother Tyg resembles you some and some not, but when we took him to the lake this week and put him in he didn't love the cold. I couldn't help thinking of the stark contrast to you in the lake at one. You were so happy and you loved every minute being in the water. All water, but your one year old summer we spent several days at the lake. It's one of my favorite ways to remember you play so happily in the water! It could be freezing cold water, but you wouldn't mind you played away! Your love of water was unmatched!
Daxon and Iszella had a swim meet in June and we realized that if you'd been here and done swim you would been grouped together with Daxon. It's those moments that sting sometimes. Missing you and wondering. It makes me so much more excited to see you again. The kids talk about you still. Especially Lula May. She tells me often how much she misses you. When we got our new Expedition she reassured me that we still had a seat for Tacen in the back. They also have discussed how you will need a room in the house. We had a room for you for a year and half downstairs that was a guest room/ our exerecise room, but I decorated with your things. Now Daxon is in there and sometimes Lula reminds me that you don't have a room. I love how concerned they are for you. You are loved and missed!
I've spent time thinking over the last few months about you, your life and our Savior. It's easy to look at our situation and say we didn't get our "miracle" because you weren't healed and you didn't get to stay here on earth with us. And the thing is we didn't get that miracle, but we got many others then and we continue to now. Most of all, we have our Savior and He is always the miracle. Because of Him even though we miss you now things will all be made right one day. Because of Him, you will be resurrected just as He was. Because of Him you live eternally and we will get to live with you. All my hopes and dreams will one day be fulfilled and even though sometimes it feels like it's taking forever it's all going to be glorious and beautiful and much better than I could ever imagine. So I am holding onto all those miraculous promises until we see you.
We honor and celebrate you today. rice, cupcakes and watching videos and pictures of you today. Keep watching over us sweet boy. We love and miss you so much! Happy birthday Tace!
Love,
Mom
It's been 10 years since we said goodbye for now to our Tacen. I'll always remember how long and hard those first days and months were. How I couldn't even imagine making it to 10 years and now here we are. Time continues to pass by. It's a thief that way. The days tend to still feel long, but the years are getting shorter and shorter. Our house is full, our days are full and our family complete, but we always feel Tacen's lacking. The hole he left behind. The way we miss him and wish he was here with us. I feel him and know He's on the Lord's errand for now. I often wish I could take a peek and see what it is he fills his days with. What time looks like for him on the other side. Oh what longing I have to be with him again. I try to wait patiently (although I've never been great at patience) for the time when we will see him again. I try to continue to improve being the mother our children need and also improving so I can be with him again. Tacen you are the mark buddy, the one we all can't wait to be reunited with some day. I see you in your siblings at different times and I am thankful for their reminders of you.
I've thought of you often as we draw near to a date I never thought I'd have to track. The one that tells me how long it's been since your passing. I think of you a little more. My heart feels a little extra tender to your missing presence. I always add you into our family pictures and lately it's been Lula who asks if you were there with us when we took that picture. Although I know you are near more often than I even realize I have to explain how you weren't here in person. Oh how I wish you were. We are one year closer to seeing you again my sweet boy, one year closer to holding you in my arms. Stay near please sweet boy. Watch over us. Help us when we need it most. I love you Tacen!
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Happy 12th birthday to my sweet boy, the one who made me a mother 12 years ago. This year would have been a big one, you would have started young men's and being going with dad to deacon's quorum, you would have had the chance to go to the temple for the first time. You would have finished elementary school and been headed to Jr High. So many changes would have been happening and you would be turning into a young man! Instead we think of you as our sweet 2 year old boy who we wait to be united with again some day! We talk of you often. Lula May has had an extra affinity for talking of you lately and missing you. She often vocalizes how she wishes you were here. I feel you have been near her lately for her to feel so strongly of you over the last 6-12 months. Normally on your birthday we fill the day with cars movies, water activities, rice and cake and of course sending balloons. However, this year we get to spend the day with the Kowallis Family. Hayden is going through the temple in preparation to leave on his mission and I think this will also be a wonderful way to celebrate you and your special day. Being in the temple has been the place I feel you nearest most often. So we will just extend celebrating you for several days and do extra water days and more.
Over this last year we added our last baby to our family and your baby brother. I have pondered often that if you had still been here with us I am not sure we would have had Tyg. I don't know that I would have been able to handle 6 kids here and things would have been different. I see you in Tyg. I see similarities and he reminds me of you sometimes. I know God's hand has been in our life and in our family. I know this was His plan for our family and for you and I trust and have faith that we are 9.5 years closer to being with you again. We love you so much sweet boy. We all miss you and wish often that you were here. Dad and I talk about how things might look different, but mostly we live in the glory of where you are and working each day to be better so we can be with you again some day. You are so loved and so missed! Keep watching over us Tace! We love you
Love, Mom
Saturday (5.28.22) we took Tacen's truck with flowers in it out the cemetery. Stephanie Smith had already put a truck with flowers. We are always so grateful that she is so thoughtful in remembering Tacen. We took some pictures. While we were there Lula May asked where Tacen was and Daxon and Iszella told her she was under the headstone. Then she said, "you mean Tacen is a skeleton??" Oh my Lula May.. We were looking and we need to add the rest of the siblings to his headstone now. We need to figure out how we do that and make sure there will be enough room. The kids always climb on his headstone or play on it and I always love it because I know it's exactly what Tacen would have done.
I am grateful for the family we have. We always miss Tacen and wish he were here with us, but we are thankful eternally for the knowledge of eternal families and that we will be with him again some day!
As I have been pondering Tacen and the fact he's been gone 9 years, it brought to mind a lesson I've been learning since earlier this year. When Tacen passed away it was easy for me to say we didn't get our miracle, but we could see the Lord's hand. We understood and knew His will for both Tacen and our family. We knew it was Tacen's time to go and we know where he is. My dear friend Jen whose sweet husband passed away 1.5 years ago taught me an important lesson. I was talking with her about this and she taught me of their miracle. It got me thinking and reflecting. Some of our miracles with Tacen were he started have his "regressions" at 13 months and we had him with us until 28 months. We had our week in the hospital which was a very sacred time for our family, one where I was able to come to acceptance. Since that time we have been blessed innumerably with special and spiritual experiences with Tacen.
Then I got to reflecting on our life and family. It's hard to know what would have been, but I don't know if we would have had Iszella so quickly. She and Daxon have always been so close and their relationship might have looked different. We likely would have stopped having children after Lula May. 2 boys, 2 girls, the perfect combination. But then we added Lucille, who is such a light and blessing and felt prompted and guided that one more spirit NEEDED to come to our family, this sweet little baby boy I am carrying now. This is not the path I would have chosen for myself in so many ways, but it is the path that was meant to be. The one that is right for our family. I couldn't trade Tacen for Lucille and this baby. In ways losing Tacen has helped my heart to grow and in the growing it has helped my own heart to heal which was what I needed in my personal journey.
We also discuss often of the many things we have learned through the experience of losing our son. The ways it has helped me to grow. The testimony it gave me of my Savior. He was never more tangible and real for me than those days leading up to Tacen's passing and also the days and months following. While we often have said we wished we could have learned these things in another way, that wasn't our path and I am grateful for my own personal learning and growth.
So as I reflect on the 9 years without my sweet boy. The longing I always have to have him here with us, I also reflect on all I've learned because of him. On how my life has been so blessed by being his mother. On how I am a better person for the experiences I've had that directly relate to my sweet boy. I am forever grateful for you Tacen! You bring light into my life. I look forward with so much joy to seeing you again some day. I love thinking of you being with your baby brother right now and wish so badly I could hug you one more time. Sending all my love and 9 years closer to seeing those piercing blue eyes and getting one of your hugs!
