I Love You

Wednesday(4.24.13) this week was really hard for me. I was making an invitation up for Daxon's first birthday and trying to figure out how many invites I needed. I went back to my April 2012 pictures knowing I'd had my shower then and I could get a good count of SCO friends to invite. I came across this picture:

It really is a tender mercy. It shows our sweet Tacen with his big blue eyes and his cute, chubby hands in the "I love you," sign language. I know he wasn't intentionally putting his hands that way. We never taught him that, but it was like he was reminding me that he does love me.
I've realized for me going through all this sometimes I just need a good cry! So after finding the picture I put my headphones on, cranked up my two Tacen songs (Wanted by Hunter Hayes and See You Again by Carrie Underwood) and just cried it out. I miss him! I spent most of the rest of my day feeling kind of weepy! Just really thinking about him and missing him more than words can convey!
I had a sweet moment when Dax let me hold him and he snuggled right up to me! It was exactly what I needed from him. Daxon has been my little sun spot through all of this. I really feel like he's what has gotten me and continues to get me through! I've thought a lot about it. I love Cade and I couldn't do this without him, but he's mourning too! He misses him and had his hard days and I can't depend on him to get me through because he's not strong enough himself. Yet, little Daxon is my reason, my purpose, and my smiles. He makes me laugh. He gives me snuggles like only a child can! He loves me know matter what and you know what? I need that right now! I need a toddler on my life and Daxon is shaping up to be a pretty, fun little, toddler buddy of mine!
Nothing can ever replace Tacen! We wouldn't want that! He's a special little boy. He's our special little boy and I know I'll see him again, but there's a hole in my heart that will never completely go away! A friend told me after Tacen passed away that the edges would soften. I know they will, but the hole is there. The ache is there. I miss my little boy! But I do my best each day to keep moving forward! I smile and laugh because in my life I have so much to be happy about!