Having Faith

I have been having some thoughts in relation to an article I read recently in the Ensign as well as some lessons we have recently in Sunday School or Relief Society. The talk was taken from a CES Talk given by Elder David A. Bednar That We Might "Not...Shrink" (D&C 19:18)

In the article I read it tells of a young couple John 23 and Heather 20 who just 3 weeks after being sealed in the temple found out that John had cancer and the prospect was not good.  Elder Bednar visited them and this is something that he shared:

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”
...We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength....
...John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

There are parts of this story that I relate to. I appreciated this perspective coming from an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ because so many times the stories we do hear are those of healing, but that's not the plan for all of us. And you know what that's ok too.

Often in church we talk about being healed. We talk about having enough faith to be healed. That if we have enough faith and we are worthy we will be healed. Things of that nature. Please let me state that I completely believe this to be true. However, there are times in our lives regardless of our faith, regardless of the number of faithful people united in prayer and fasting for a cause (such as our sweet Tacen) that Heavenly Father's will is not for this person to be healed. This comes to my mind often during these lessons. I think of the great faith that we had and all of those throughout the country and world - both friends and family we knew and friends and family members of our friends who were united in prayer. I think of the many prayer rolls around the world which had Tacen name on them. Let me say that I still know without a shadow of a doubt that if Heavenly Father had wanted to perform a miracle and heal Tacen, he could have! However, I also know that Heavenly Father's plan for Tacen and our family was that he return to heaven. Our God is a God of miracles. I know that. But He has a plan for each of us and sometimes part of that is learning to trust him even when the outcome might not be as we might have wished it to be. Yet in the end this plan and the things that occur will help us become who we need to be.  For He sees the beginning from the end.

And then there were 3...

We are expecting our third child, due May 24, 2014.

This was not a decision we came to lightly! We've been so nervous that we might lose Daxon to the same thing that took our sweet Tacen. From the moment he started walking we began watching him like hawks! Each time he'd fall we wonder if that was developmentally normal. Tace had his first regression around 14 months, so we knew we'd need to watch Dax then and when he started teething molars. 

We've watched and thankfully he has done so well mobility wise! I really need Daxon in my life! He's our sun spot! We are certain we'll never feel 100% in the clear, but we are thankful each day to see Daxon developing so well!

We started talking about adding another child. When we were in Utah for Tacen's services I remember feeling overcome with the fact that all I wanted was to have a family and grow old and be surrounded by the ones I love. I understood then that would require us to have more children. We'd always wanted more children. I knew I desperately wanted Dax to have a sibling here! 

As summer came and our discussion  became more serious our fears and concerns arose! With much prayer, fasting and thought we finally found the comfort we desperately needed to move forward. 

Our fears of losing another precious child will always be there! But for now we are putting faith in a loving Heavenly Father and his plan for us and our family! He continues to give us the comfort we need! 

After we found out we were expecting this precious baby I soon realized how scared I was to want this! Because wanting it would make it all the harder on me to lose it. Sometimes it still feels easier to act nonchalant about this pregnancy then to let myself feel the desire we have for another child! 

Not a day goes by that we don't think of Tacen and miss him! There will never be anything that can replace him nor would we want there to be! We love that little boy and are so thankful he's apart of our eternal family! I like to think of him up there with baby tuey(what we will call this one til he/she arrives). I wonder about what they are doing and if Tace is telling him/her nice things about our family! It helps me realize Heaven isn't so far away! So here we are excited and nervous that we are adding to our family!
So far this pregnancy I have been a lot sicker than with the previous two, but things are going well. I always count the blessing of at least knowing if I'm still not feeling well then the baby is still in there making me feel yucky. We've had two appointments and things are looking and sounding (heartbeat of 165bpm) good. We feel very blessed to have this opportunity to add to our family and feel the hand of our Father in Heaven guiding us!