T's Room

Saturday evening (3.8.14) we boxed up Tacen's things in his room and packed up a few more things to get it ready to move Daxon in there. I'd been mentally preparing myself for this for a few weeks. We had discussed it and knew it was inevitable. I'm thankful that this wasn't something we had to do right after Tacen passed away, that would have been way too difficult. I've loved going in T's room and talking to him or thinking of him. 

On the flipside, Daxon is big enough to move in there and we are preparing for baby tuey which means we need to nursery for her. I wanted to make this a happy thing as much as we could. Happy things are happening. Daxon is that big. He's almost as old as T was when he passed away. We are so excited to be welcoming another sweet child into our family. These are happy things. Most of all Tacen will never leave our hearts! Even if his things aren't hanging in his room, it doesn't mean that he's gone. 

Yet, even with all the mental preparation it was still tough. It's just not fair that we don't get to have Tacen with us right now. Plain and simple! We miss him always. Time has softened the ache, but it never goes away. It's such a confusing mix of feelings being so happy to have Daxon, to see his progress and love him so much. To be so excited about Baby Tuey and her becoming a part of our family. Yet, through it all it doesn't replace the hole that's there where Tacen should be. I still love him. He's still my son and nothing will ever replace that.  You can love and be so excited for what you do have and still feel that loss and ache. 

So many silly things can trigger the ache. Seeing the children his age turning 4 and knowing that he should be here about to be a 4 year old. Seeing Daxon interact with other children and thinking about the fun they would have had together.  It's the little things I long for. 

But what I learned from it all is that taking down Tacen's things doesn't take him down out of our hearts. He's forever there and we will forever love him! Some day when we have the space we plan to make a Tacen room and hang his things and have a room "ready" for him whenever the 2nd coming comes. I have a feeling this will be a very special room in our home. Until then we will remember and hold on. 

Talking about Tacen

I've had some experiences over the past almost year and a half that have taught me how I like to talk about Tace! I had one experience about 3-3 1/2 months after Tacen passed away. I was with a woman and her child who I knew, knew of our situation and one I was unsure of. Most of our visit I sat there wanting to talk about Tacen and experiences I had enjoyed while raising him as the other moms talked about normal experiences with two year olds.

I sat rather uncomfortable and saddened as I was unsure to bring him up or not. Then it hit me bring him up already! He's a big part of my life! I learned that day and a few others that for me it's best to talk about him. I need that.

As a side note I'm used to the distressed looks or sad eyes I receive when someone finds out for the first time about Tace. But what I'm so grateful for is the people around me who know our situation who lived through it with us, whether literally or were just in our lives at the time, who let me talk about Tacen. The ones who don't get all sad and treat me differently because I brought him up! 

You see he's no different than any other child with the exception that his time on earth was short and now for a season we are separated!
He was a normal baby who we had to let cry it out so we could survive the days.

He was a normal baby/toddler who had foods he liked and didn't like. He was a normal child who had meltdowns and pitched fits when things didn't go his way.

He was a normal boy who liked to watch TV and play with his toys! He was a normal boy who was drawn to dirt, mud, water, etc. Because he was a normal boy!

Because he is an important part of my life!  Because he lived! Because I NEVER want to forget him! Because he's my child, I want to talk about him and I'm so grateful when I can!  I'm grateful when those around me let me do so and don't have to make it a horrible, sad thing every time I mention his name! Because he was such a happy boy and I want to talk about that. That's a happy thing! He's a happy memory and I just want to share a small part of the joy he brought into my life by making me a mother and be happy that he lived as I remember all the "normal" parts of motherhood he allowed me to experience!