Happy 4th Birthday

Four years ago today our sweet Tacen was born into this world! He made me a mother! He came after 5 1/2 hours of labor including an hour of pushing! He was a beautiful, healthy 8 lb 9 oz baby boy, with a full head of dark brown hair and rolls right from the start! Fireworks went off outside the hospital not long after he was born! It was the beginning of a beautiful journey!

After experiencing all the firsts in the first year Tacen was gone from our life I realized for me his birthday is the hardest! It's a day when we should be celebrating him! He should be here another year older! I should be recording the things he's learned and how he's grown, the milestones we've hit! Yet, for right now he's not here doing those mortal things and on his birthday especially that flat out stinks!!!! 

I thought October would be difficult thinking of the days and weeks leading up to his death, but for me nothing will be harder than the year I actually experienced it! October didn't seems so bad. 

So on Tacen's birthday we think of him! We are planning to spend the day together as a family doing Tacen things! I asked Cade to take a personal day and spend the day with us. I knew I could face the day better with him by my side!  If you knew Tace you knew he loved water! It always brought a smile to his face! We'll be playing in water, dropping off some gifts to Bunny Lane and having a dinner with rice (another favorite we often called Tacen our sumo wrestler) and ending the day with cake and letting off four blue balloons to send to Tacen to heaven!

It's hard not to miss our sweet boy! His sweet smile and amazing snuggles. It's hard not to think what might have been if he was still here with us. I often try to picture what it might be like! Although, as hard as I try I won't know. I have many sweet memories of Tacen that I hold dear to my heart, but I can no longer recall what it was like to have him here with us. I miss him!

Yet, reality is that he's not here! So on this, your fourth birthday, we celebrate you T! We know you're closer than we realize! We feel you watching out for us! We'll always miss you until we are together again! But we know you've got something important to do! We think of you often! Thanks for giving me the chance to be your mom! I know I was far from perfect, but I did my best! I always felt your love and that was more than enough of a reward to keeping trying! Now buddy I'm still trying to become better so I can be with you again some day! Until that day, I love you! Happy birthday sweet boy!