3 Years...

3 Years ago today we said goodbye (for now) to our sweet Tacen. I can't believe it's been 3 years and then again it feels like so much longer than that! During this time of year I can't help but reflect on those final days. A few things that come to mind. We had been in Utah for my Grandpa Knight's funeral and when we flew to meet Cade I remember how thrilled Tacen was to see Cade. He just clung to him. There is an image burned in my memory of those two hugging.  I remember the fun we had in Ft. Worth Texas. The time spent swimming in the pool with Tacen laughing so hard. Going to the stalk yard and him seeing the animals. Feeling and knowing that a regression was coming, but having no idea what was ahead of us.
I remember the last day we had him at home with us. He spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch watching Curious George. I remember sitting by him and wishing and hoping so badly that we could fix his walking problems. All the while waiting to hear back from Dr. Fulton (our neurologist).
I remember taking him in for a direct admit and leaving he and Cade at the hospital that night, not knowing that just a week later he wouldn't be with us any longer!
I remember feeling so torn between taking care of Daxon and being there for Tacen. I knew Daxon couldn't handle staying at the hospital 24 hrs a day so I had to go home at night for him to sleep. He wouldn't take a bottle and so I had to be there to feed him.  It seemed that each night something went down hill and things worsened. It was so hard for me to feel so torn between my two sons. Wishing I could be there for both of them, but knowing it wasn't possible!
I remember as things worsened really feeling comforted and that I knew it would be ok. I remember a blessing my father gave me blessing me that Tacen would be healed. As time went on I knew that the realization of that blessing wasn't what I had hoped for. Tacen wouldn't be healed here in this life, but he is now healed. I know he is whole and perfect and without pain!
I remember coming to the realization that Heavenly Father could perform a miracle. We knew all along it was possible, but that if He wasn't going to do so we were ready to let our little boy go. I remember that was the hardest decision I've ever had to make or hope to make. I remember our sweet Bishop and wonderful friend Vince Longshore advising us that we need to let Tacen know. Those little spirits are strong and will fight. We had been asking Tacen to fight and stay with us and I know he was!
I remember just sitting with him and holding him. I remember singing him I Am A Child Of God for the last night. I remember sitting there holding him with Cade as he passed on to the other side.
This is not a trial I would wish upon anyone.  My heart will forever have a hole in it that will only be filled by our reunion some day. But as a sweet friend advised us the edges do soften. You get more used to it. I have grown! I have learned! I hope that I am better! I can do hard things! I remember feeling like I couldn't imagine how I could make it through a day, a week, a month or a year without our sweet boy. I've made it 3 years and we are 3 years closer to seeing Tacen again! I'll always miss him! I love you my sweet boy!