14 Years

  Dearest Tacen

It's been 14 years since we said good bye for now. I have been thinking lately as I have watched missionaries come home. I especially watch those mom embracing their missionaries and talking of the 18  months or 2 years apart and how they couldn't wait for that hug. I think of the now 14 years you've been on your "mission" on the other side. I think how amazing it will be to hug you again. How I might never want to let you go. We tease sometimes about what it might look like when our Savior comes and we are reunited with you sweet boy. The teasing part is who will get to hug you first. I always say it's me. That's how it is when missionaries come home the mom goes first. I sure miss you and I long for that beautiful day. 

This year has been on filled with lots of changes and unknowns in our life. I have had many days I have prayed that God might let you be near, strengthening me. I each time I have pleaded for this I have felt an increase of peace and strength. Tyg often prays for angels to be on the 4 corners of his bed as he sleep and he often requests that you be one of those angels. So thank you Tacen for being near, for watching over us while you are doing your work on the other side. I love you so much! I'm so thankful to know that we will see you again. That because of our temple covenants we are united not just in life, but in this time of separation and death. What beauty that promise holds. Our God is good. He is a God of promises and He keeps those promises. I hold onto that with all I am, until we can be reunited. 14 years closer my sweet boy!

Love,

Mom

Happy Sweet 16

 Dearest Tacen

Happy 16th birthday sweet boy! I miss you! I've been trying to picture what you would be like right now. Getting your drivers license, so excited for driving and freedom I'm sure. I honestly wish I was getting an extra driver. I know that would be extremely helpful. I was listening to a podcast this week with a quote from Joseph Smith, talking about how you can hear us when we speak. How it helps strengthen you in your work on the other side when we are striving to be faithful. I sure hope that's true. One of my deepest hearts desires is to be with you again and live worthy of the blessing of our eternal family! You are are goal! 

Last year for your birthday I asked Chat to show me what you might look like at 15 and I love the picture it generated. I know it's just AI, but the picture generated looked so much like Dad it was uncanny. It's been this special thing I've held on to as I have often wonder what you'd look like. 

A few weeks ago I was having a hard time and I called out to you hoping you were near, that you could help me and it was immediate, but things did improve and I truly believe you were apart of that! You are so special Tace! I always wish you were still here and I was getting to experience all the things your 16 year old self would be doing and I am so proud of the valiant soul you are and that I got to have the chance to be your mom here on earth for 28 short months. 

We went to White Water this week and played in the water. We are going to the lake tomorrow for more water fun in your honor. We are making sugar cookie bars for your dessert and sending balloons like always and missing you every day! The kids still talk of you often. Tyg has been talking more about you lately and that you his big brother and he misses you. Keep guiding us back to heaven where you are! I love you!

Love,

Mom

13 Years

  It’s been 13 years since we said goodbye—for now (but thankfully not forever)—to our blue-eyed, squishy-faced, rough-and-tumble sweet boy. Thank goodness for eternity. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, that I don’t wonder what he would be like at 15. And not a day goes by that I’m not filled with gratitude that death is not the end—that we will be reunited someday.

As I contemplate Tacen and his example in my life, I’m filled with gratitude to watch his siblings here. I’m filled with gratitude for the opportunity to be a mother forever. I’m filled with gratitude for the simple and the hard moments, because they’ve taught me not to take life for granted.

Tacen’s life changed me for the better. It made me softer. It made me more patient. It made me more caring. It made me more empathetic. It’s helped me to become a small part of who I need to be.

I am so thankful for that sweet boy, and I miss him drastically. But I cannot think about the day that he died without remembering the immense peace that filled the hospital room that day. It was indescribable—something I’ve never forgotten in almost a decade and a half.

God is good. He is real. He’s aware of us, and I will testify of that forever. Sometimes we don’t get our miracles, and sometimes life doesn’t look like we thought it would. But life is good, and God is good. He can be trusted, and we can turn to Him in both the good moments and the hard ones.

I am thankful for His amazing plan that allows me the promise of being with my boy forever. I can’t wait for the day that I get to hold him in my arms again—to love him, to hug him, to watch him grow. But for now, I’m 13 years closer—and that’s enough.

Happy Birthday Tacen -15 Years

 Dear Tacen,

You would be 15 years old today! I can't believe and I can't picture what you would be like. We all talk of you often wondering when Jesus will return so we can see you again. The kids always talk about you and how much they miss you. I love that you are still such a big part of our family. 

I can't believe you'd be getting your learner's permit and be a year away from driving and dating. I can only imagine how fun you'd be. I wonder what relationship you and Daxon might have had brothers so close in age. I wish I'd gotten to see that.

 We feel you near. Not as after as we once did, but in the moments we need you the most you are there. You are like our guiding star. The compass the leads us on. The direction we are headed so we can see you again. You help us stay centered on what is most important in life. Our faith in God and Christ is strong and in their plan. The perfect plan that promise one day we will be reunited. God keeps his promises that is sure and something we know to be true! 

Missing you always! Celebrating you today watching Cars movies, eating rice, having cake and ice cream. The ice cream you liked the cake not so much, but your siblings all wanted cake and sending off our balloons. Loving you from here. 

Love,

Mom

12 Years Without You!

 Dearest Tacen,

It's been 12 years today without you here with us! Oh how we miss you. I've thought a lot lately about how you could have gone to high school this year. I often wondered if I'd hold you since you were a summer birthday, but as I have looked at Daxon and Tyg I have also thought that if you were like them as a little boy I most likely would have sent you and you'd be a 9th grader, a freshman in high school! It feels crazy we could have a child that old! Life with you here feels like a completely different lifetime. One I sometimes strain to remember, but also one that the thief of time continues to pull away a little at a time. Thankfully I still have many memories of you as well as pictures and videos. But that time in our life feels far away. Things were so different, so much simpler when you were here with us. I miss you!

As always, I think of how we are 12 years closer to seeing you again! 12 years is a long time and I'm thankful to have made it this far. Tyg and I went and put a little pumpkin light and ghost on your headstone. We brushed off some dirt and Tyg looked at your picture and then said, "Tacen is my best friend!' He says that quite often about people he loves and I'm glad to know you are one of those people. I'm sure he might remember you or maybe he can still see you sometimes. I'm not sure. I'm thankful that even though I can't see you or heaven that it's never very far! As we were heading to visit the cemetery I looked up in the sky of the rays of light were peeking out of the clouds. I immediately said there you are Tacen! I have come to see you in rays of light and especially sun spots in pictures. It always makes me think you are near. 

My heart misses you sweet boy! But I am forever thankful for a Savior and Heavenly Father who have a perfect plan so we can be together again. I hold onto that truth with all I am! Being with you again is one of my greatest goals! Sometimes we argue (playfully) in our family who will get to hug you first and I always say me! It will be the best hug ever! I love you! Stay close to us and until we get to see you again, 12 years closer!

Love, 

Mom

Happy Birthday Tacen - 14 Years

 Dear Tacen,

Happy birthday sweet boy! You'd be 14 today. How is that possible? All I can imagine is your sweet 2 year old face! I was thinking this morning about when you were born. That day we had a doctors appointment like many ones before and I wasn't too hopeful you'd come. You were stubborn from the start. Little did  I know that evening you'd be born. What a blessing. Not long after you were born fireworks went off outside our hospital room. The world knew you'd be a light from the start!

We are getting ready to head on vacation so your birthday looks a little different today as we get packed and ready to go. But don't worry Cars movies will be played, water will happen at some point and we are having rice with dinner. I opted for sugar cookies this year instead of cupcakes. 

We've been talking about how you could have gone to FSY this year. We always wonder what your interests would be. I wish so badly we could see you today as a 14 year old. Oh how fun it would be to have you here with us! But I know you were meant for big things on the other side. I also often wish I could peak into the heavens for a small moments and see the wonders you've seen or the things you are doing! I look forward to that day, the day we'll see you again!

You continue to teach us so much. I see the way our kids know about the resurrection and look forward to the second coming and it brings me joy that they have a much better, deeper understanding than I did as a child. They all love you so much and wish you could be here too. Lula May especially is often saying how it's taking so long for you to come back when Jesus does. She just knows you'd be her buddy and I'm sure you just might be. 

Since having Tyg I catch glimpses of you in him. He loves cars, trucks and trains. Maybe not quite as much as you did, but he loves them. He loves the mow mows just like you and anything with wheels and motor. It's been so healing to having another little boy especially after so long. I've loved watching it all again. Tyg is older than you were when you passed away. It's crazy to me how that has happened. Now all of our  children are older than you were. Your life felt so short and yet longer than time is passing now. I'm so thankful for the short time we got have you here and all you taught us. We just love you so much. We all miss you! 

Thanks for being our son. Thanks for being in our family. We are so grateful for eternal families and temple blessings and the promises of our reunion in a future day and time! I hold on to that with all I have. I love you so much sweet boy. Keep watching over us. Be close when you can. Above all always know we love and miss you!

Happy birthday sweet boy. Eat some cake in heaven and catch your balloons when we send the your way!

Love,

Mom

Decorating Tacen's Special Place for Memorial Day Weekend

  Saturday (5.25.24) morning after helping clean the church we took Tacen's truck all planted with flowers out to his special place (the cemetery). I love the tradition of planting a truck for Tacen.  Seeing those trucks reminds me of him. Bringing it home after Memorial Day reminds me of him all summer. We sure love and miss our boy. Tyg has been in to trucks, trains, cars, etc lately and it reminds me of Tacen often. Lula and Lucille have been talking about him coming back. Lula always says its taking too long. She also, keeps telling me Tacen would be her buddy! We sure love our sweet boy and long for that day when we can be with him again! We are so grateful for Stephanie Smith who year after year adds a truck. She's so thoughtful. G'ma Sue and Pa put one on too and Grandma Ruthie and Papa added pinwheels (which he loved at the cemetery when Grandpa Knight passed away right before him) and a red truck. We also had some anonymous flowers too. Tacen is love and it means so much when he is remembered! 

Tyg the Same age as Tacen

 Thursday (5.16.24) Tyg was the same age as Tacen when Tacen passed away. It feels wild number one that Tyg is that old and number two that now all of our children have passed the age he was. It's both crazy and exciting. We are so glad our other children are developing and progressing normal and well. It always feels like an accomplishment to make it to this point! There are definite similarities between Tyg and Tacen. Tyg loves cars, trains, trucks, tractors, etc just as Tacen did. I often find myself thinking of him watching Tyg play. So thankful for both these boys. To know one day we'll raise Tacen and all will be made right and to have Tyg here now. 

Decorating Tacen's Special Place For Christmas

  Saturday (12.9.23) we got Tacen's tree ready and took it to the cemetery. Tyg loved the cars on his tree. I couldn't find the start this year, so we improvised and added a snowflake on top. We all went to take it. Tyg loved driving a car on his headstone this year which feels so fitting. Tacen would have loved that too. I can see glimpses of Tacen in Tyg and I love the sweet reminder that they are brothers. We got it all staked down. Sure love and miss that boy! 

11 Years

Dearest Tacen,

It's been 11 years today since you returned to heaven! 11 years without you and it often feels like another lifetime that you were here with us. Oh how we miss you and can't wait to be reunited with you someday. The kids talk about and love you and it warms my heart when they bring you up. Iszella left her seat belt buckled in our expedition and it tells you which buckles are buckled and which are not. I went to drive by myself this week and hers was buckled along with mine. When I was asking her about it, she simply said, "mom it was Tacen." It made me smile. I know it's silly, but I love that she thought of you. The kids often talk about how we have one more seat for Tacen in our expedition. 

We talk about how losing Tacen has changed us. It's leaves it mark. One of those is that we realize often how short life is. We realize that life can change on a dime. If eel like we hold our other kids a little closer or makes choices to do things all together because you just never know. I'm thankful for the reminder of this in our Tacen. I'm thankful for the light he brought with that continues to still touch our lives. 

I'll forever have the moments where I wish Tacen was here or wondering what things would be like to have a 13 year old. Wondering what he'd be doing in school, what his interests would be and how he might get along with our other kids. But I will also be forever grateful to a loving Heavenly Father and his perfect plan of happiness that promises that one day I'll be with him again. One day everything will be made right. I hold on tight to those promises. We sure love you sweet boy. We miss you always. Keep shining on us from heaven!

Love,

Mom

Happy 13th Birthday Tacen

 Dearest Tacen-

You should be a teenager today! 13! I can't believe you would be that old. I always find myself wondering what your interests would be now, who you would be. Sometimes it makes me so sad missing you! I wish so much you were here with us celebrating your special day! Your birthday fell on Sunday (7.2.23) this year, so we partied hard at the lake on Saturday (7.1.23) doing all the water things. Your littlest brother Tyg resembles you some and some not, but when we took him to the lake this week and put him in he didn't love the cold. I couldn't help thinking of the stark contrast to you in the lake at one. You were so happy and you loved every minute being in the water. All water, but your one year old summer we spent several days at the lake. It's one of my favorite ways to remember you play so happily in the water! It could be freezing cold water, but you wouldn't mind you played away! Your love of water was unmatched! 

Daxon and Iszella had a swim meet in June and we realized that if you'd been here and done swim you would been grouped together with Daxon. It's those moments that sting sometimes. Missing you and wondering. It makes me so much more excited to see you again. The kids talk about you still. Especially Lula May. She tells me often how much she misses you. When we got our new Expedition she reassured me that we still had a seat for Tacen in the back. They also have discussed how you will need a room in the house. We had a room for you for a year and half downstairs that was a guest room/ our exerecise room, but I decorated with your things. Now Daxon is in there and sometimes Lula reminds me that you don't have a room. I love how concerned they are for you. You are loved and missed! 

I've spent time thinking over the last few months about you, your life and our Savior. It's easy to look at our situation and say we didn't get our "miracle" because you weren't healed and you didn't get to stay here on earth with us. And the thing is we didn't get that miracle, but we got many others then and we continue to now. Most of all, we have our Savior and He is always the miracle. Because of Him even though we miss you now things will all be made right one day. Because of Him, you will be resurrected just as He was. Because of Him you live eternally and we will get to live with you. All my hopes and dreams will one day be fulfilled and even though sometimes it feels like it's taking forever it's all going to be glorious and beautiful and much better than I could ever imagine. So I am holding onto all those miraculous promises until we see you.

 We honor and celebrate you today. rice, cupcakes and watching videos and pictures of you today. Keep watching over us sweet boy. We love and miss you so much! Happy birthday Tace! 

Love, 

Mom 

10 Years

It's been 10 years since we said goodbye for now to our Tacen. I'll always remember how long and hard those first days and months were. How I couldn't even imagine making it to 10 years and now here we are. Time continues to pass by. It's a thief that way. The days tend to still feel long, but the years are getting shorter and shorter. Our house is full, our days are full and our family complete, but we always feel Tacen's lacking. The hole he left behind. The way we miss him and wish he was here with us. I feel him and know He's on the Lord's errand for now. I often wish I could take a peek and see what it is he fills his days with. What time looks like for him on the other side. Oh what longing I have to be with him again. I try to wait patiently (although I've never been great at patience) for the time when we will see him again. I try to continue to improve being the mother our children need and also improving so I can be with him again. Tacen you are the mark buddy, the one we all can't wait to be reunited with some day. I see you in your siblings at different times and I am thankful for their reminders of you. 

I've thought of you often as we draw near to a date I never thought I'd have to track. The one that tells me how long it's been since your passing. I think of you a little more. My heart feels a little extra tender to your missing presence. I always add you into our family pictures and lately it's been Lula who asks if you were there with us when we took that picture. Although I know you are near more often than I even realize I have to explain how you weren't here in person. Oh how I wish you were. We are one year closer to seeing you again my sweet boy, one year closer to holding you in my arms. Stay near please sweet boy. Watch over us. Help us when we need it most. I love you Tacen!