Thoughts...

This weekend we had some friends in our ward who were blessed to have a 3rd child, a boy join their family. When he made his arrival their two other children Charlotte and Atticus were staying in our home. Not long after baby Gabriel was born it was discovered that his main two arteries were switched and he would need to undergo open heart surgery. Charlotte and Atticus stayed the night in our home in Tacen's room. We have a day bed(my old day bed from growing up). The day bed also has a trundle bed underneath. I had the chance that night to sit with them on Tacen's bed and by Atticus' choice read, "The Little Engine that Could," arguably T's favorite book! Atticus is just a few months older than Tace would be and naturally my mind went to Tacen. It was so much fun having these children in our home. I've been anxious since Tacen started talking more and more to have a little talker in our home and it was fun having these children stay with us! 

That night as I was thinking of baby Gabriel and his family and this trial they are facing I kept thinking of Tace and hoping he'd watch over little Gabriel. The next day I found out that the odd of a successful surgery and normal life are 95%! That's awesome and really great odds. He is at LeBonhuer where Tace was and they have such a wonderful facility there I know he's in good hands.
With all this its got me thinking. It's got me thinking about how really fragile life is (although I've spent much time considering this over the past 9 months). I've thought about how amazing it really is that babies are born every day healthy and without any major complications when there is so much that could go wrong.
I've thought a great deal about the blessings of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The knowledge and testimony that I have of these restored truths has always been a constant in my life, but especially over the past 9 months without Tacen it has given me the answers to my questions, strength and courage to get up each day and most importantly knowing that I can see my sweet boy again! This is a miraculous gift in my life, that I strive each day not to take for granted! I have full faith that a loving Heavenly Father will help us to face the trials that come our way and if we allow him he will give us strength and support to overcome all we are asked to face. The Savior of all mankind has descended below them all. It is my knowledge and testimony and the strength of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ that help me each day. That reassure me when hard times come our way. Because of this knowledge and strength I look forward to the day when I can see Tacen again. I look forward with happiness and excitement because this life is not he end! Because he is doing what Heavenly Father intended for him to do on the other side of the veil and I will continue each day to do my best so I can be with him again.
So I hope over the coming weeks and months that I can be a help and support to this sweet family, through this trial that they are facing. I know Heavenly Father will not leave them comfortless. And all these these things shall be for their good even though in the middle of them its sometimes hard to see that. I have grown so much over the past few months and I hope I can continue to do so. So here's to taking each day and realizing its a gift and striving to find the good in the world around us!

Comfort In, Dump Out!

My friend just sent me a link to this article. and I LOVED it! I can relate to this article on a number of levels. As we've gone through losing our son I have often had to stop myself and catch my tongue so I don't say something I'll regret, yet I often don't feel like I get this same courtesy from others. I've had people tell me that they're pretty sure they're having a harder time than I am or that this has been hard on them and their family too, this hasn't just affected me! As I've gotten different responses it often stops me in tracks and feels like a blow, but I have tried to let it go and move forward. I remember being around others who had lost loved ones especially children and babies and knowing that I didn't do or say the right thing. That being said I've tried to remember that as we've gone through the loss of Tacen and recognize that this is a plain out hard situation! But I love reading stuff like that article and sharing it to help others. I often wish I had been able to read things like this before so I would have known the right things to say or not to say.
My Aunt LuAnn gave a lesson in Relief Society. She was giving the lesson on the General Conference talk given by Shayne M. Bowen title, Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also. My Aunt wrote and asked me if could share any suggestions on things to say or not to say. One thing that Cade and I both agree on is that it's better to say something than to say nothing. Simply saying, "I'm sorry." "We love you." "I/We've been thinking about you." "You've been on my mind." Is so much better than ignoring it entirely. Mostly, going back to the above mentioned article. I've learned that I get a "get out of jail free" card whenever I want (Cade too) because this is hardest and closest to us. He is our son. We were used to having him in our life every single minute of every day and because of that we get to react how we want to. We get to do things the way we want to and that's how it should be. That doesn't mean I get to be mean, but it means that Cade and I get to handle this the way we choose to and if someone doesn't like that I guess I need to be ok with that. I'm trying my hardest to deal with this rough situation and come out on top and some days that requires all the strength I can muster! There...ramble done!

Bunny Lane

Let me preface this with saying that when Tacen was in the the hospital and he went in to get his angiogram they let him choose a toy from "Bunny Lane." This was a cupboard they had filled toys for children going into surgery. Tacen got a helicopter and it really made his little face light up. That was one of his last lucid moments with us and to know that the hospital provided him something that brought him so much joy really touched us.

As we drew neared to Tacen's birthday we really started thinking about what we wanted to do to celebrate him and his day. We knew that had he still been here with us we would have wanted to get him a gift. We decided that we'd offer to family and friends if they wanted to get a gift appropriate for a 3 year with us that we were going to donate them to LeBonhuer to Bunny Lane. We wanted to give back to something that had given our son so much joy during a hard time and something that still brings a smile to our face to think of him so happy. We had an outpouring from friends and family mostly of cars which Tacne would have LOVED! We personally got a little remote control monster truck that I'm pretty certain he would have been wild about. This last Wednesday (7/17/13) we finally made it to LeBonhuer to deliver our goodies. As pictured below we had two huge bags of toys. We took it up to the surgical wing and a Rachel from Child Life came to talk with us. She was surprised at what we had to donate! She asked where we had gotten all the toys and said how Bunny Lane runs out of toys quickly. They seem to have extra surgeries during the summer and they run out even more quickly. We explained about Tacen and how we were donating the toys in his memory. Rachel was gracious and kind. She couldn't believe we'd come down to make a trip just to drop off these toys. We were and continue to be so impressed with the caliber of hospital we find in LeBonhuer. Cade and I have talked about it and we know that we want to continue to get a gift for Tacen for his birthday in the coming years and donate to LeBohnuer or whatever children's hospital we live nearest to. I believe this will be a the beginning of a wonderful tradition for our family!

Celebrating T

Yesterday was a hard, but good day. I started out my day pretty weepy! I was just missing my little boy and wishing that he was here with us for his birthday. I never anticipated things like this in my life. As we have gone through this many things of this first year without Tacen are a new experience. After my morning run yesterday Daxon was running around out front playing and just having fun. I sat in my driveway and just had a good cry. I was thinking about my sweet boy and how he used to run up and down the side walk with his green tractor or how he'd push the paint roller up and down the driveway. I just missed him! As my morning went on I was touched my sweet text messages, phone calls and facebook messages of family and friends remembering our sweet boy and remembering us. Most often the simple act brought tears to my eye and warmth to my heart!
I knew that I couldn't stay at home all day. We have a play group here with some of our friends who also have husbands in school. There are 4 of us that each had babies about a month apart and then another friend who has a cute little four month old. We usually get together on Thursdays, but since this week was the 4th of July, I knew we'd miss it. I decided to extend an invite to see if they wanted to go to the splash park with us. Tacen LOVED the splash park. Every time we went (which wasn't often enough) we would have to drag him kicking and screaming to go home. He was never ready to go. He would have stayed ALL day if he could. With his walking he'd start to get tired and he'd start falling a lot, but he just loved the water so much and just wanted to stay. I figured if he was still here this is probably how we would have spent his birthday any ways. Somewhere in the water. So my friends willingly met me out there even though its a 30-45 minute drive for everyone and even messed up some nap schedules. I know this probably seemed like such a simple thing, but it meant so much to me to have them take the time and even mess up their schedules to meet me and Dax and spend some time with us. It was exactly what I needed! It was so great to get out of the house and be with friends and feel care free for a few hours during a day that I was desperately missing my little boy!

 After the splash park my sweet friend Jen came over with her girls to spend the afternoon with me. Again this meant so much to me. Instead of spending naptime missing my sweet boy I had some great distractions. It was again exactly what I needed and I so appreciated her taking the time to come and spend with me. Her girls didn't get their naps like they would have had they gone home and I know that was hard on her, but it meant so much to me to have her here. It really made the afternoon pass quickly. We laughed and chatted and had a nice afternoon!
We wanted to have a small get together with some of our friends who were closest to Tacen when he was still here. I made a cake and got ice cream, we put some pictures up of Tacen in our black boxes and played the picture/video that G'ma Sue made for the viewing/funeral. We had them over at 6:30pm and it was again perfect. We talked about Tacen and reminisced, but mostly just enjoyed each other's company and that's again exactly what we needed. We love the Longshores, Walters. Rothlisbergers and Mosses and most importantly Tacen loved these people. We were so thankful they could be here with us(Grandma Brenda and Billy had to be out of town, but we know they would have loved to be here with us).
We had told people we were getting a gift and we were planning to take them to Le Bonheur and donate them to children going into surgery because before Tacen went in for his angiogram he was able to pick a helicopter out and he made him so happy in a time that he was most likely in pain and having a really hard time. We knew we wanted to do something to help other children like that and we figured we would have gotten Tace a gift so why not still get one and donate them. We had an outpouring from family and friends participating. We got several cars because that was T's favorite. He would have LOVED the gifts and we hope that there will another child who will enjoy them!

We decided we wanted to let off blue/turquoise balloons for his birthday and let them fly up to heaven to him. (Our pictures are compliments of our amazing friend Heidi! Thanks Heidi). Daxon didn't quite understand where the balloons went and kept pointing towards the sky like we needed to go and get them. I think this may a tradition we continue for years to come as we celebrate our sweet boy's birthday. We extended an invite to any of our family and friends who wanted to participate and share pictures with us. I was amazing and touched my so many that decided to celebrate with us! From Germany, Texas and all over Utah! I can't say that yesterday wasn't hard. It's not fair to have to celebrate Tacen's birthday without him, but we are so thankful to all our wonderful family and friends for their amazing gestures of kindness! We love you! We know that families can be together forever and we are so thankful we will see our sweet Tacen again!