I've been thinking a lot lately about getting caught up in the hard days of having small children. I understand it's entirely inevitable some days. I sadly still have my days where I am less than patience with Dax and I always feel sad when that happens. I also understand that this is natural and normal. We are in fact human!
You see I had many a "hard" day the 6 months I was blessed to have both my boys here together on earth! Tacen had many difficult days and was up and down in his walking and abilities. You add to that a fuss ball baby of Dax and I had my struggles. Thankfully, another tender mercy, the spirit whispered to me often stop and enjoy this right now! I did my best although I was and continue to be far from perfect in my efforts. What I may have deemed "hard" at that time in my life were some of the most wonderful days of having our small family of 4 all together here on earth. They are precious days I will always cherish!
My sweet sister-in-law Christina sent me a link to The Sullengers blog. http://www.sullengers.com/
I started going through their blog and story. There is something comforting and therapeutic for me read through stories similar to ours. As I read through one particular part stuck out to me from this post:
"For all of you who have lost a child, or who will in the future, I'm not going to pretend it isn't the most painful and difficult thing I've ever experienced. I've always wanted to be a mother, and have loved every single moment. To all the mom's out there I think you're simply amazing. I don't think we realize how much time we give up, and how much we love doing what we do for our children. To revert back to only having myself and Patrick to think about is difficult. It's painful to wake up each morning to silence and not hearing Preslee call out "mama." I miss the long stroller walks and reading her books. I miss the tender moments I had with her saying her nightly prayers right before bed. I even miss the tantrums thrown in public. :) I miss everything about that little girl. Again, it's so difficult to go back being consumed with myself, and not focused on Preslee.
President Thomas S. Monson, stated: “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.”
That's what being a mother is, it's service. That's why it brings so much joy. So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them."
After reading this I was again filled with thoughts of how grateful I am we had little Daxon. I say often he's probably the biggest reason I got "through" the days following Tacen passing away. He was my purpose! I often think why were we so lucky to have had him here with is during this difficult time.
One thing I've thought of is how special Daxon is and how his smile and vivacious ways were needed in our family at that time. There was a dramatic change in Daxon in the month before and after Tacen passed away. I believe he knew what was happening! He's our sun spot!
Secondly, because of the nature of Tacen's condition and the fact that we still don't know what he passed away from it would have made for a difficult decision to have more children(it still has been), but being able to watch Daxon grow and develop normally has been such a comfort and reassurance to us. Again we needed him!
My point in all of this is, it's easy to get caught up in hard days with small children. This has been on my mind a lot lately. However, you can never get those days back and there is no guarantee in life! I would do anything to still have Tacen here with us! Daxon loves friends right now and I desperately wish he could have Tacen here as his best friend! But I know that was not the plan for our family and I move forward with faith each day. But because of my sweet Tacen I will always carry a different outlook on life. It's too short and I want to do my best to enjoy each day! I want to hold Daxon a little closer, let him play in the mud a little more and try to cherish each day we have together, the good, the bad and the ugly because you just never know! Because I love being a mother and because I love my boys with all my heart!
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