18 Months

Its been a year and half since our sweet Tacen passed away. In some ways its amazing me to it's been that long and in others it feels like an eternity and I can hardly believe it's ONLY been 18 months.  It's been a year and half since I held my sweet boy in my arms, since I kissed his face, since I smelled his sweaty head, since I sang him, "I Am A Child of God." It's been a year and half since we were together as our family of 4 here on the earth. It's been a year and half since I saw those gorgeous blue eyes, had him kiss me, let me hold him. It's been 18 months since I watched him get into mischief. It's been 18 months since I saw the pure joy on his face as he experienced all life had to offer! It's been a year and half and I still miss him!
It's been a year and half and I have grown. I have changed, learned and become a better version of me. I have become a more patient loving mother to Daxon because of Tacen. It's been 18 months and not a day goes by that I don't miss our little boy! It's been 18 months and I've gotten a lot more used to the reality of living without a child here with me.
Loosing a child is not something you get over, move past or forget. It's been 18 months and I am still learning to live with this. It's been 18 months and we should almost have a 4 year old. This is life after loss.
Yet, I know I am learning. I feel Tacen near often and I know he is with us and watching over us. It's been neat to think about him with his sister up in heaven. I wonder what they talk about and what he tells her. I know he has been watching over me and her throughout this pregnancy, I have felt that.  I am stronger! I am 18 months into our time of separation from Tacen.  I will never stop loving him! I will never stop missing him. He's part of who I am. He has made me better. He has made me strive for more! His love and life is an example to me. I am blessed to be his mother and I know that I can at least make it another year and half, because I've made it this far!

Because of Him...

Tacen Easter 2012

I always had a testimony of my Savior, Jesus Christ and his glorious Atonement and Resurrection! I always knew and believed it to be true. Yet, after losing Tacen this became so much more real to me. I learned for myself in a real way that Tacen will some day be resurrected! I will see him again. I will get to hold him and hug him and kiss him and love him. This will happen one day and this is all because of our Savior and Redeemer, even Jesus Christ! Words can not even describe how thankful I am to have this knowledge. To know that I can see my sweet little boy again. It is a blessing that I try each day not to take for granted. It is a blessing I hold near and dear to my heart! It is the hope that I cling to when I miss Tacen the most! Easter isn't about bunny's or candy or Easter baskets. It's about our Savior. It's about how He rose triumphantly! He became the first fruits of them that slept. He lives and because HE lives, Tacen will live again! What a blessing!

Longing for a Friend...

I may have written about this recently, but its something I can't get off my mind lately. I wish so desperately that Tacen was here with Daxon. That they could be one another's best friends. When I was expecting Daxon and the 6 short months we had our boys here together I dreamed and envisioned the fun they would have together! They buddies they would be. I thought about how Tacen was a July birthday and I'd probably hold him back in school which meant that he and Daxon would only be one year apart in school. So many things left unfulfilled!

The other night I was watching some videos of my sweet Tacen. I was watching him live, experience life and be filled the joy! I thought to myself I wish that boy could have played with our Daxon now. This hits me a lot lately. We had the chance to have Cade's sister and family come visit and Daxon absolutely LOVED playing with his cousin who is only 4 months younger than Tacen. I loved watching this. It was so sweet, but I thought to myself, "Tacen should be here! Tacen should be playing with them. Tacen should be here to be friends with Daxon."
I realize as time passes this is just one of the parts of grieving a loved one, especially grieving a child! It's hard not to think about how old Tacen would be or what might have been. Yet the reality of it all is continually staring me in the face. For now Tacen and Daxon aren't together. They can't be and because of this Daxon won't grow up having his big brother to play with.
We recently (April 5&6) had our General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This is when our leaders speak to us. Two things really stood out to me and gave me strength in relation to Tacen and our continued grieving process.

I've realized over the past almost year and half that I have grown stronger. I am different than I was before we lost Tacen. I can tell that as the winds have grown stronger my roots have planted themselves deeper. I have a stronger more abiding faith and relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. It is because of him that I have been able to make it through each day, especially those that seem exceptionally difficult or trying. I recognize that I am becoming how my Father in Heaven wants me to be. I am becoming how He knew I was all along!

Endings are hard for us to accept as mortal beings. Often they just don't seem fair, but I look forward with earnestness to the day when they seem small, and but a pause. I look forward to the day when in glory I will see my sweet Tacen resurrected to a full and perfect state and I will get to be with him again. I look forward to that day when this interruption has passed. I am so grateful for the knowledge the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints provides me. I am so grateful for the strength I receive. Without this knowledge and my testimony I couldn't have withstood this trial! Yet, I know within my heart that just as is said in D&C 121: 7-8 "... thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall  exalt thee on high;..." Then I can be with my eternal family forever. We will be together again. We will have all that we are missing out on now with Tacen! Until that time I will continue to rely on my Savior, Jesus Christ and Eternal Father in Heaven because it is through them I can do all things required of me. It is through them that I can find strength, peace and solace.