2 Years

It's been 2 years today since our sweet Tacen passed away! Over the last week I have replayed Tacen's final days and moments in my mind. I have a vivid memory of the last Monday (Oct. 22, 2012). Tacen wasn't feeling well. I had been working to get a hold of Dr. Fulton our neurologist. Tacen wasn't walking (looking back on it I think he made have some paralysis at this point) and we spent much of the day watching TV. I sat next to Tace as he watched his show and I was watching some netflix shoes on the laptop. I have felt sorrow that I didn't just sit and really "be" with him all the way. That's one thing I would have changed if I had known what was coming. I never would have imagined when we took Tacen to the hospital that he wouldn't be coming home with us. We thought we were FINALLY going to get some answers and get things going better for his walking. However, along with that I am thankful we had a week to really comprehend what was happening and accept that Tacen wasn't going to be with us any longer!
It's hard during this time of year not to go back to that time. To his last week and all that transpired. I always feel such mixed feelings. One that we've made it 2 entire years! In the hours, and days following his passing I didn't know how we'd go on and move forward without Tacen. But we've made it this far! We've done it! I know we can continue to do so! I know our Heavenly Father is constantly on our side, carrying us through the difficult days and helping us move on.
In contrast it also feels like FOREVER since I saw Tacen, held him and was with him. It's such a mixture of emotions and feelings.
I do know that Heavenly Father sent us Daxon and Iszella and they were exactly that we needed in our lives over the past two years. They are such a joy to have! Daxon is really beginning to know and learn about his brother Tacen. He knows that he is with Jesus. Just a couple weeks ago in Sacrament meeting I was talking to Daxon about the Sacrament Ordinance taking place and how it was to help us think of Jesus and Daxon looked at me and said "Tacen is with Jesus!"  Daxon and Iszella are such a blessing from Heaven! As is Tacen. Even though we no longer get to have Tacen here with us, he is ours forever! I know one day we will be with him again.
I know he is there watching over us. I miss him terribly. That never goes away! I have gotten more used to it. I have adjusted and adapted. I'm so thankful that we have made it through 2 entire years since he passed. I'm thankful for each person who has made it easier. For the incredible support and love we have been shown time and time again. The people who have touched our lives along the way have been a true heaven send.
My sweet boy, I love you! I think about you all the time. There is not a day that goes by that you don't come into my mind. You taught me so much while you were here with us on earth. You changed me as a person and a mother. Thank you sweet boy for being you! For being apart of our family! Thank you for allowing us to feel your presence and know that you are nearer than we realize. I love you!
Your, Mom

Primary Program

Sunday (10.26.14) was our primary program in our ward. There is one Sunday a year where the children give small speaking parts and sing songs for our congregation. I adore the primary program. It's always so cute to see the kids giving their parts and hearing them sing. Children have a special spirit about them.
Yesterday as the children were going up to begin the program I was hit with the realization that Tacen should have been up there. He should be a sunbeam (the class he would be in) and he should have been in the program. We haven't had a lot of significant milestones that we've missed yet and I know they'll be coming as time passes, but this one really hit me.  I spent much of the program with tears streaming down my face just missing Tacen and thinking about how he should have been up there with other children. It's those small milestones that seem to creep up sometimes. The realization of the fact that in this life they won't happen is hard to take some days. For me yesterday was one of those days.
I know my emotions and feelings are raw and we approach the 2nd anniversary of Tacen passing this week and that didn't add to the emotions of it all. I found out later that day that it was also the primary program in our old ward in Memphis. So if we had stayed there or moved here it would have been his first primary program either way.
I wish I could have been a beaming parent as I watched him go up to the pulpit and give his part. I wish that I could have watched him up there singing the songs. Pointing out to Daxon where he was up there. It would have been so much fun to see. But for now that won't be my reality. For now I will hold onto the memories that I have and cherish the times that Daxon talks about Tacen. I will help his siblings to know him. Because he is still my son. He is still their brother. We are still a family. We will have days where we miss him more than others and there will be milestones we realize we are missing.

Grief...it never goes away

Tacen has been filling my thoughts a lot lately. I miss him. I go through periods of time where I think I'm doing better. I've adapted. Adjusted. Then it hits me out of no where and I just miss him. I have small moments often in my day to day life where I'll wish he was here with us. But then there are days where he fills my thoughts and I really notice that he's not here. I am so overly aware of his absence.
I'm not sure what it is about this year but I have been distinctly aware of the approaching dates in relation to our last few weeks to month we had with Tacen. We've hung this pumpkin picture in our living room area and I look at it often.

As I looked at this picture I recalled my sweet mother wanting to get some pumpkins and take pictures of Tacen. Because of her desire (and honestly probably prompting) we have a dozen or more pictures of Tacen just 2 weeks before he passed away. We have many faces and reactions. I love looking through those pictures and thinking of him. My mom had gotten him a couple new hot wheels cars (a favorite of his) and he had so much fun just driving them on the pumpkins.
I hate this its almost been two years since we had Tacen here with us. I hate that we have to be separated right now. I miss him! Yet sometimes it feels so much longer than just two years. Other times I'm amazed I've made it this far.
I just miss this sweet boy. Tacen you are in my thoughts often. Sometimes (like today) the grief creeps in a little more than usual. I let it take over. I cry. I think of you. I watch the videos we have of you and I remember what it was like having you here. I find I have to take those moments when they come. I have to continue to go through the process of grief. It's different for everyone. But it's real. It doesn't go away as time passes. Its still here. That's when I know that my love for you, my relationship as your mother is real. You are real even if you are not here. I know that having you here with us wasn't a dream, even though sometimes it feels as though it was. It was a beautiful dream! Until that becomes a reality again one day I keep thinking of you, my sweet boy. I try to let your memory and life live on in me. Thanks for teaching me so much. I love you!