I've played back in forth in my mind to write something and today I just feel like it should write it out. My facebook and instagram has been filled with posts of children on their first day of school. Many of the babies born near Tacen are starting Kindergarten this year. I debated heavily about holding him back even when he was 2. I guess that's the teacher in me coming out. He was behind and I'm pretty certain I would have waited for him to start until next year. Yet, he would be 5! He very easily could have been having his first day of school! I would have been a hot mess I'm sure thinking about sending him into the world. I would have taken his first day of school picture! I would have gotten him new school clothes, a back pack and all the beginning of the year things. Then I would have sat home wondering how he was doing at school. Thinking about how he was doing and waiting anxiously to hear how his first day went. This is another one of the firsts that I am missing out on right now. I wish so much that I could post a picture of Tacen getting ready for school. It's crazy to me to even consider having a 5 year old. I can't even imagine what it would be like, but I as I watch all the cute little kids that were born in 2010 when he was it let's me peek into what he might have been like, what he will be like someday. I would have wondered if I'd taught him enough. If he would be kind to those around him, if they would be kind to him. If he'd make friends. To think of him coming home and telling me about his first day. I think about this often in my own way though. I didn't have enough time with him here. I didn't get to teach him everything I thought I would. I often wonder if I did enough. 28 months isn't long enough to teach someone. I wish I'd had 5 years until I sent him off. I wish he was here making our life crazier. But at least we are almost 3 years closer to seeing him again. Love you sweet boy! Missing you and wishing you were here to go to school and be a little boy with us now!
Kelsie, my heart breaks for you all over again every time I read your blog. Tacen and Atticus were the same age, and I didn't think he was behind at all until the end. This probably doesn't offer any comfort, but I often think of you and of Tacen when Atticus hits milestones like this. It's like I'm shaving off a little bit of the joy from each experience and sending it out into the universe for Tacen. So, just for him: Atticus is five now and scraped knees don't make him cry anymore and definitely don't keep him from climbing trees or trying to jump the curb with his bicycle. He started 1st grade this week, not kindergarten, because at age four he'd done every preschool game in the book and it didn't make sense to make him wait for something interesting to puzzle him. This morning he hiked two miles and didn't complain an ounce about the walk-- but burst into sobs at the mere suggestion that he wear Charlotte's pink sweater to keep him warm since I'd forgotten his. He has a best friend. They are gone for hours at a time, only to be discovered building trains out of rope and every stroller on the street, or covered in half an inch of dirt head to toe from the ditch, or dressed up as medieval cowboy fairies yielding supersoakers. He'll be playing on his first soccer team this Fall. He doesn't really like to read, but he does it when he thinks I'm not looking. He begs for extra math problems. Tonight he ran in just to tell me a joke: "what's grosser than gross? When you're eating a bowl of oatmeal and your brother says, where's my scab collection?" He laughs hysterically at slapstick, and some scenes in the Spiderman movie were too scary for him. He hops up on the counter to get himself a drink, because he knows I only just sat down. He picks his nose. He teaches his little brother the names of all the bugs. He likes me to scratch his back at night. He figured out Santa Clause years ago, but he doesn't care, because he likes realness in the world and in language and in stories. He knows which cars drive the fastest, and would play on the computer all day if I let him. Superheroes have faded into obscure mammals I've never heard of. He finally learned to swim. He still gives me the most spontaneous explosive hugs and "I love you"s usually in the same moment he's driving me crazy. Being 5 is pretty awesome.
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