Celebrating T

Yesterday was a hard, but good day. I started out my day pretty weepy! I was just missing my little boy and wishing that he was here with us for his birthday. I never anticipated things like this in my life. As we have gone through this many things of this first year without Tacen are a new experience. After my morning run yesterday Daxon was running around out front playing and just having fun. I sat in my driveway and just had a good cry. I was thinking about my sweet boy and how he used to run up and down the side walk with his green tractor or how he'd push the paint roller up and down the driveway. I just missed him! As my morning went on I was touched my sweet text messages, phone calls and facebook messages of family and friends remembering our sweet boy and remembering us. Most often the simple act brought tears to my eye and warmth to my heart!
I knew that I couldn't stay at home all day. We have a play group here with some of our friends who also have husbands in school. There are 4 of us that each had babies about a month apart and then another friend who has a cute little four month old. We usually get together on Thursdays, but since this week was the 4th of July, I knew we'd miss it. I decided to extend an invite to see if they wanted to go to the splash park with us. Tacen LOVED the splash park. Every time we went (which wasn't often enough) we would have to drag him kicking and screaming to go home. He was never ready to go. He would have stayed ALL day if he could. With his walking he'd start to get tired and he'd start falling a lot, but he just loved the water so much and just wanted to stay. I figured if he was still here this is probably how we would have spent his birthday any ways. Somewhere in the water. So my friends willingly met me out there even though its a 30-45 minute drive for everyone and even messed up some nap schedules. I know this probably seemed like such a simple thing, but it meant so much to me to have them take the time and even mess up their schedules to meet me and Dax and spend some time with us. It was exactly what I needed! It was so great to get out of the house and be with friends and feel care free for a few hours during a day that I was desperately missing my little boy!

 After the splash park my sweet friend Jen came over with her girls to spend the afternoon with me. Again this meant so much to me. Instead of spending naptime missing my sweet boy I had some great distractions. It was again exactly what I needed and I so appreciated her taking the time to come and spend with me. Her girls didn't get their naps like they would have had they gone home and I know that was hard on her, but it meant so much to me to have her here. It really made the afternoon pass quickly. We laughed and chatted and had a nice afternoon!
We wanted to have a small get together with some of our friends who were closest to Tacen when he was still here. I made a cake and got ice cream, we put some pictures up of Tacen in our black boxes and played the picture/video that G'ma Sue made for the viewing/funeral. We had them over at 6:30pm and it was again perfect. We talked about Tacen and reminisced, but mostly just enjoyed each other's company and that's again exactly what we needed. We love the Longshores, Walters. Rothlisbergers and Mosses and most importantly Tacen loved these people. We were so thankful they could be here with us(Grandma Brenda and Billy had to be out of town, but we know they would have loved to be here with us).
We had told people we were getting a gift and we were planning to take them to Le Bonheur and donate them to children going into surgery because before Tacen went in for his angiogram he was able to pick a helicopter out and he made him so happy in a time that he was most likely in pain and having a really hard time. We knew we wanted to do something to help other children like that and we figured we would have gotten Tace a gift so why not still get one and donate them. We had an outpouring from family and friends participating. We got several cars because that was T's favorite. He would have LOVED the gifts and we hope that there will another child who will enjoy them!

We decided we wanted to let off blue/turquoise balloons for his birthday and let them fly up to heaven to him. (Our pictures are compliments of our amazing friend Heidi! Thanks Heidi). Daxon didn't quite understand where the balloons went and kept pointing towards the sky like we needed to go and get them. I think this may a tradition we continue for years to come as we celebrate our sweet boy's birthday. We extended an invite to any of our family and friends who wanted to participate and share pictures with us. I was amazing and touched my so many that decided to celebrate with us! From Germany, Texas and all over Utah! I can't say that yesterday wasn't hard. It's not fair to have to celebrate Tacen's birthday without him, but we are so thankful to all our wonderful family and friends for their amazing gestures of kindness! We love you! We know that families can be together forever and we are so thankful we will see our sweet Tacen again!

Happy 3rd Birthday!

3 years ago at 9:02pm the most beautiful blue eyed brown haired little boy came into my life and I became a mother! Being a mother to my two boys is one of my most cherished treasures! Not long after Tacen was born fireworks went off right outside the hospital in the Aggie Stadium. Tacen brought so much light and life into our world! It's hard to believe it's already been 3 years and its hard to believe Tacen's already gone from our lives. Most often it doesn't seem like he got to be here long enough, but I remind myself that he finished what he needed to do here and that he's doing something so marvelous on the other side. I'm so proud to be his mother! He's such a shining example to me of the kind of person I want to become and how I want to live my life so I can be with him again some day! I will forever be grateful for the time we got to have Tacen in our lives and in our home. I'm so thankful for my testimony and knowledge of the restored gospel so I know that I can be with Tacen again. Without that knowledge I'm not sure I'd have the strength or will to go on. What a precious little boy we were blessed with! We often say how thankful we are that we got to have him in our lives for as long as we did. He taught us so much. He is my shining example of the little engine that could. I look back on how hard it must have been for him physically, but he kept going and he usually had a smile on that cute little face. He's such a happy boy and such an example to me. I love him with all my heart! Today we celebrate Tacen and the life he lived! Happy 3rd Birthday Tace! We miss you sweet boy!

Celebrating with Us

I have had a few people inquire about doing something wherever they are to celebrate Tacen's birthday with us. I think this is a great idea and we would LOVE for anyone to celebrate with us. I was thinking about it and Tacen's favorite color was turquoise. If you would like to get a turquoise/blue balloon and let it off in celebrating with us feel free. If you'd like to send a picture I'd love to post them all together wherever you are celebrating. We will be letting of 3 balloons since it's his 3rd birthday, July 2. We'd love to see you celebrate Tacen' too!

Almost here...

Tacen's 3rd birthday is fast approaching and this will be our first without our sweet boy here with us. I had a few hard days over the past couple weeks as I've thought about this and just missed my little boy! Today I was reading here and this part really hit home with me:
"Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love anotehr person and not grieve at his sufferingo r eventual death. The only way to avoid grief would be not to experience the love, and its the love that  gives life it's richness and meaning." from the article, "The Refining Fire of Grief."
I am thankful every day for the love that Tacen brought into my life and the love he continues to bring. I am so thankful for Daxon and the joy of being his mother and the sun spot he is in my life. I miss Tacen. I can't say that enough, but I know that's ok. I know that its ok if I miss him. I know it's ok. But some days that's harder than others. I know Tacen's birthday is going to be a hard day. But I also know that it won't be any harder than any other day. I'm going to do my best to celebrate him on that day and the life he lived and all that I learned from him for the short time he was here with us! I can think of no greater blessing than being a mother to him and Daxon!  I will hold my sweet boy in my heart until I can hold him in my arms!