Dreaming...

Last night I had a dream that Tacen was back with us. In my dream he had come back and he was 28 months and it was right now because Dax was 22 months. I was so excited to see him again. I was worried about how I would split my time with he and Daxon knowing that I just wanted to hold him and never let him go! The boys were only 6 months apart in age. They were wearing the same size clothes and both in diapers. It was like having twins, but having missed the reality of it over the last 2 years.
When I awoke this morning I couldn't get the idea out of my mind. Often when I think of Tacen still being with us I picture him being 3.5 years old like he would have been, but thinking of him being almost the same age of Daxon brought new thoughts and ideas.
It was fun for me to think about it for a while. I sat and thought about the fact that we are planning to move Daxon in to Tacen's room in the next month or so. I thought about how we would have done that. I remembered how Tace used to fall asleep in front of the door and thought about he and Dax in there falling asleep in front of the door together. We would need another car seat and booster chair for dinner.
I also thought of how jealous the boys would be of each other. I could just see them both wanting myself or Cade. I mentioned this to Cade and he said we'd all wrestle!
I thought of the chaos that would ensue in our lives over the coming months as we prepare to add this sweet baby girl to our family, but how we would go from having one hear to three in a matter of a few short months.
I thought of how much Daxon would love to have Tacen to play with and after they both adjusted to each other how much fun they would have together! I could just picture them being the best of friends!
Most of all I thought of how wonderful it would be to have our little family all together! I thought about how it would be an adjustment. How our days would probably be crazy, but how wonderful they would be! I thought about how above all else that's what I long for the most in life. I long to have our sweet Tacen here with us and have our family together, even if that means it would be utterly chaotic. We'd adapt and it would be oh so wonderful!
It was such a pleasant dream, I almost didn't want to wake up from it. I know that someday we'll have the chance to be together again, but until then sometimes it's nice to get caught up in a dream. To think of what our lives might be like and to enjoy the thought of it all! Because even though I am so thankful for the many wonderful blessing I have in my life. Even though I honestly love my life. I will always long to have Tacen here with us. I will always miss him. He will always be apart of our family!

Getting through the hard days

I've been thinking a lot lately about getting caught up in the hard days of having small children. I understand it's entirely inevitable some days. I sadly still have my days where I am less than patience with Dax and I always feel sad when that happens. I also understand that this is natural and normal. We are in fact human! 

You see I had many a "hard" day the 6 months I was blessed to have both my boys here together on earth! Tacen had many difficult days and was up and down in his walking and abilities. You add to that a fuss ball baby of Dax and I had my struggles. Thankfully, another tender mercy, the spirit whispered to me often stop and enjoy this right now! I did my best although I was and continue to be far from perfect in my efforts. What I may have deemed "hard" at that time in my life were some of the most wonderful days of having our small family of 4 all together here on earth. They are precious days I will always cherish!

My sweet sister-in-law Christina sent me a link to The Sullengers blog. http://www.sullengers.com/

I started going through their blog and story. There is something comforting and therapeutic for me read through stories similar to ours. As I read through one particular part stuck out to me from this post:

"For all of you who have lost a child, or who will in the future, I'm not going to pretend it isn't the most painful and difficult thing I've ever experienced. I've always wanted to be a mother, and have loved every single moment. To all the mom's out there I think you're simply amazing. I don't think we realize how much time we give up, and how much we love doing what we do for our children. To revert back to only having myself and Patrick to think about is difficult. It's painful to wake up each morning to silence and not hearing Preslee call out "mama." I miss the long stroller walks and reading her books. I miss the tender moments I had with her saying her nightly prayers right before bed. I even miss the tantrums thrown in public. :) I miss everything about that little girl. Again, it's so difficult to go back being consumed with myself, and not focused on Preslee.

President Thomas S. Monson, stated: “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.” 

That's what being a mother is, it's service. That's why it brings so much joy. So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them."

After reading this I was again filled with thoughts of how grateful I am we had little Daxon. I say often he's probably the biggest reason I got "through" the days following Tacen passing away. He was my purpose! I often think why were we so lucky to have had him here with is during this difficult time. 

One thing I've thought of is how special Daxon is and how his smile and vivacious ways were needed in our family at that time. There was a dramatic change in Daxon in the month before and after Tacen passed away. I believe he knew what was happening! He's our sun spot!

Secondly, because of the nature of Tacen's condition and the fact that we still don't know what he passed away from it would have made for a difficult decision to have more children(it still has been), but being able to watch Daxon grow and develop normally has been such a comfort and reassurance to us. Again we needed him!

My point in all of this is, it's easy to get caught up in hard days with small children. This has been on my mind a lot lately. However, you can never get those days back and there is no guarantee in life! I would do anything to still have Tacen here with us! Daxon loves friends right now and I desperately wish he could have Tacen here as his best friend! But I know that was not the plan for our family and I move forward with faith each day. But because of my sweet Tacen I will always carry a different outlook on life. It's too short and I want to do my best to enjoy each day! I want to hold Daxon a little closer, let him play in the mud a little more and try to cherish each day we have together, the good, the bad and the ugly because you just never know! Because I love being a mother and because I love my boys with all my heart! 

Change is Inevitable

We are getting ready to make a big move across the country at the end of the summer. We are also preparing to welcome a new baby into our family in just a few short months. These are some big family changes coming our way. Our little Dax will be two in a couple months and is quickly approaching the age of Tacen when he passed away. With this happening he will be wearing many of the clothes that Tacen wore not long before he passed away. Many of the clothes that we have so many wonderful memories of Tacen wearing.  Yesterday morning (2.18.14) it was a warm enough day I wanted to put Daxon in a short sleeve shirt. I went into Tacen's room to get him one and it was surprisingly more difficult than I expected! Tears began streaming down my face as I thought of Tacen in the shirts I was looking at hanging in "his" closet! It brought a lot of unexpected emotions.
When Tacen passed away we left everything pretty much the same in his room. We hung his shirts in his closet, left his rocking chair, his blankets, stuffed animals, pictures, etc. It's his room! We've loved referring to it as Tacen's room. We go in his room each evening and have scripture study and prayers with Daxon before he goes to bed. With the anticipation of a new little bundle of joy and with Daxon getting bigger we will soon (less than a month now) be moving him into Tacen's room. It will become his room. I know this is something we need to do, but it's hard at the same time. Cade and I discussed leaving Tacen's things hanging and what not. But with our move across the country whether we take them down now or in 6 months its going to happen. Leaving this home, the last place we were with Tacen, and moving forward in our lives will be very bittersweet. I keep hoping that as we make some small changes along the way maybe the biggest change of all won't be quite so difficult.
I had a precious moment a morning last week. I was looking out over our front yard while outside playing with Dax and thinking just how much I am going to miss this place. I then thought of all the wonderful memories we created with Tacen and the many wonderful things that have come to our family here. To name a couple the addition of Daxon and baby tuey to our family. But mostly I was pondering being able to look and see Tacen in so many places here. I felt the spirit whisper to me that those memories would always be there and he'd always be apart of our lives. He'd always be near. This is something I know, but it that moment it was a sweet tender mercy! I do miss that boy, but I'm thankful each day to have known him, loved him to and know that he is mine forever. Even if we are separated for a short time! Needless to say Change is Inevitable! But I'll do my best to keep smiling, because I know that's what Tacen did!