Holding These Little Ones Close

We are preparing another move and we recently purchased a home. We've been driving back and forth with the kids for weekend trips out to Roosytown and weeks back to the city. I feel like we've been a little crazy lately. I've been a little less than patient with Daxon lately and it really pricks at my heart. I hate when I'm not patient. I sit and tell myself, "Kelsie, you know what it's like not having a child with you! You shouldn't be impatient! How would you feel if he was gone?" on and on like that. I know impatience is normal or at least in my world, but I hate when I'm impatient.  We went "home" the last 3 weekends in a row.  I knew Daxon could sense the changes coming, and he's been acting out a bit more, requiring more attention and being a bit of a stinker.  I was discussing this with my mom and she asked if Daxon wanted to stay with them for the week. We'd leave Sunday and be back Thursday evening. He could stay and have fun. I knew deep down he would have so much fun staying with Grandma and Papa. He'd get lots of extra attention. I could get some things done at our townhouse and perhaps the separation would be good for both of us!
I talked with Cade about it. He said it probably was a good idea. I was seriously considering it.  Then the more I thought about it the more I knew I couldn't leave him. Not because he wouldn't have fun or be ok, but because I knew I couldn't handle leaving him for that long! I've never left him for more than a few hours. I started realizing how I have held these little ones of mine extra close since we lost Tacen. I know it's irrational, but I feel like if I keep them close I can protect them. I can keep them with me longer. Maybe, just maybe, I won't lose another one. Because if I have them close to me they'll be safe. This is all silly of course because we didn't leave Tacen very often and I couldn't save him. Nothing I could have done would have kept Tacen here with us. Yet, in my mother heart and mind it makes sense.
I also started thinking about how if I left Daxon I'd have just Iszella home and I worried I'd flash back to when I just had Daxon after Tacen passed away. I worried it would be too hard. Before I started thinking about leaving Daxon for a few days I hadn't realized this was a feeling of mine. I hadn't realized how much I needed them near me. You see we are poor students so naturally we don't go out very often. We also honestly LOVE spending time together as a family so we'd just as soon do something we can do with the kids in tow instead of leaving them. I know it's healthy to leave your children occasionally. I know that it's good for Cade and I spend time together just the two of us, but its hard.
That being said I know I need to work on being able to leave our kids occasionally, but I also know that my heart needs them close. I need them with them. They make me happy even when I want to pull my hair out because of frustration. I need them close so I can try to protect them. So maybe, just maybe I'll have them close to me a little longer than we got to have Tacen here. So maybe I won't have to experience the loss of another child. That's something I hope never to experience. So for now I'll hold these little ones close and love them with all every fiber of my being. Because you never know how much time you have. That's a fear of mine.

Feed the Animals

The last weekend we had with Tacen we were in Fort Worth, TX. We went to a little stock yard and there were different animals there. Goats, cows, a camel, etc. Tacen was so excited about these animals. We were poor students and we couldn't justify the $3-5 for the small cup of food to feed the animals. We had no idea then that in just 10 days our sweet Tacen would no longer be here with us or I tell you what we would have bought the food! It was such a simple little thing that would have made him so happy and I regret that we didn't do it. In the long scheme of things that $3-5 wouldn't have made that big of a difference, I know that Tacen would have LOVED it.
Since that time I think we often spoil our kids a little too much. We are still poor students and we still don't have much, but we take the chance to do the little things that will bring a huge smile to their faces. We don't always let them have everything they want. We don't always let them "feed the animals" so to speak, but we do a lot more than we did before. Because since Tacen passed away we've realized its the little things that make the biggest difference. It's the little things you'll remember. Its the little things like letting him feed the animals that I regret deep inside. I wish I had let him do that. Because he would have loved it so. Because I can't take the time to bring a smile to his face any more. I don't have him here with me to spoil and oh how I wish I did. I wish I could spoil him rotten. But I can't. So I stop. I try harder with the kids I have. We let them "feed the animals" a lot more because that's what I can do now.
Cade and I reference this experience a lot with one another. It helps us to realize that its ok to spend a few dollars here and there for our children. Especially when we feel like our budgets always tight and we can't do it. It reminds us that we can afford to spend a few dollars here and there.

Here's a video of Tacen at the stockyard. Its the last one that we have of him. Its the last day that we was able to walk. I'm thankful we were able to do something fun with him even if we didn't feed the animals. I love how excited he is over the animals. I love hearing his voice!