3 Years...

3 Years ago today we said goodbye (for now) to our sweet Tacen. I can't believe it's been 3 years and then again it feels like so much longer than that! During this time of year I can't help but reflect on those final days. A few things that come to mind. We had been in Utah for my Grandpa Knight's funeral and when we flew to meet Cade I remember how thrilled Tacen was to see Cade. He just clung to him. There is an image burned in my memory of those two hugging.  I remember the fun we had in Ft. Worth Texas. The time spent swimming in the pool with Tacen laughing so hard. Going to the stalk yard and him seeing the animals. Feeling and knowing that a regression was coming, but having no idea what was ahead of us.
I remember the last day we had him at home with us. He spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch watching Curious George. I remember sitting by him and wishing and hoping so badly that we could fix his walking problems. All the while waiting to hear back from Dr. Fulton (our neurologist).
I remember taking him in for a direct admit and leaving he and Cade at the hospital that night, not knowing that just a week later he wouldn't be with us any longer!
I remember feeling so torn between taking care of Daxon and being there for Tacen. I knew Daxon couldn't handle staying at the hospital 24 hrs a day so I had to go home at night for him to sleep. He wouldn't take a bottle and so I had to be there to feed him.  It seemed that each night something went down hill and things worsened. It was so hard for me to feel so torn between my two sons. Wishing I could be there for both of them, but knowing it wasn't possible!
I remember as things worsened really feeling comforted and that I knew it would be ok. I remember a blessing my father gave me blessing me that Tacen would be healed. As time went on I knew that the realization of that blessing wasn't what I had hoped for. Tacen wouldn't be healed here in this life, but he is now healed. I know he is whole and perfect and without pain!
I remember coming to the realization that Heavenly Father could perform a miracle. We knew all along it was possible, but that if He wasn't going to do so we were ready to let our little boy go. I remember that was the hardest decision I've ever had to make or hope to make. I remember our sweet Bishop and wonderful friend Vince Longshore advising us that we need to let Tacen know. Those little spirits are strong and will fight. We had been asking Tacen to fight and stay with us and I know he was!
I remember just sitting with him and holding him. I remember singing him I Am A Child Of God for the last night. I remember sitting there holding him with Cade as he passed on to the other side.
This is not a trial I would wish upon anyone.  My heart will forever have a hole in it that will only be filled by our reunion some day. But as a sweet friend advised us the edges do soften. You get more used to it. I have grown! I have learned! I hope that I am better! I can do hard things! I remember feeling like I couldn't imagine how I could make it through a day, a week, a month or a year without our sweet boy. I've made it 3 years and we are 3 years closer to seeing Tacen again! I'll always miss him! I love you my sweet boy!

In my Thoughts

Tacen has been in my thoughts extra the last few weeks. I'm not sure why. Perhaps that his 3 year angelversary is this month. Or we went had family pictures and I'm always reminded he's not in them. I'm not honestly sure. I was looking at the picture I edited and added him in and I it got me thinking about how different Tacen is compared to Daxon and Iszella. He was such a big build, his coloring, you name it. I so often think about how life would be if he were here with us. He would be a crazy five year old. I have no doubt life would be crazier and more eventful than it is. I often sit and wish so badly that he could be here. I wish we could have him here to interact with. To love. I wonder how Daxon and Iszella would be different having Tacen here as their older brother. I wonder how I would be different not having gone through a loss. I like to think that I'm a better version of myself because of the experiences I've had. I like to think I do better than I otherwise would at cherishing the little moments and enjoying my children even more.
I just find myself missing you buddy. Thinking about you and letting the tears fall. Thinking about the dreams and hopes I had for you that aren't happening right now. Thinking about you. Missing you. There's really nothing else I can say. I miss you! You have apart of my heart and it won't be complete again until I'm with you once more.
To you Tacen: I love you buddy. I hope you know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss you. Oct 29 will mark three years since your passing! Most days it feels so much longer than that. Yet, it feels like an accomplishment to have made it this far. It feels like a dream that you were once here with us. Yet, I am glad we are three years closer to seeing you. I often dream about that day, the day I'll see you again. I wish it could be tomorrow! I often think about how right after you passed away I wasn't sure how I would get through the day let alone a year. Now it's been almost three. I can do hard things. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being such an example to me and our family! Please know how much we love you. You'll never be forgotten sweet boy!
All my love,
Mom

Words of Comfort

As I continue to wade through my own journey of grief I have found comfort in these words recently. I've learned it's not something you get over, its something that becomes a part of you!  Each of these have touched me. They've strengthened me in my journey.

"The birth and death of Jesus Christ are so much more meaningful to me now, and I worship Him for His gifts of Atonement and Resurrection. Relying on the strength of the Lord and feeling His love has filled me with faith and blessed me with hope. At times when sorrow seems unbearable, He helps me bear the burden. His love came as an unexpected gift, and it continues to bless me in the most wonderful ways." "Sustained by God's Love" July 2015 Ensign

I can testify of this same feeling. Especially in the days and months just following Tacen's death I know that I got through those most difficult moments because of my Savior. He gave me the strength when I knew I didn't have it within myself. I still have moments when I feel saddened knowing Tacen is not here with us and I know my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ are what help me to let go of those feelings.

"Joshua 1:9 -  Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for theLord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

I hear this recently at a sacrament meeting where the speaker spoke of his older son passing away and I loved it!

"The death of a loved one may come unexpectedly. It is the witness from the Holy Ghost of the reality of a loving Heavenly Father and a resurrected Savior that gives us hope and comfort at the loss of a loved one. That testimony must be fresh when death occurs." Pres Eyring Oct 2015 General Conference 

I can also attest of the light, hope and strength I found in the knowledge the Church of Jesus Christ offers. My testimony carried me through. Knowing that I can see Tacen again is something I hold dear. Its something I need in my life. I need to know I can be with him and I can't wait!

While in sacarment meeting we sung this song and tears came to my eyes as I envisioned this beautiful picture in my mind of my sorrows and grief being gone, my purest joy and desire of being with Tacen again and having my family all together being fulfilled. What a beautiful image! A day when our Savior will reign on the earth and all will be perfect! I look forward to this day.

Hymn # 124 "Be Still, My Soul" verse 3 Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on When we shall be forever with Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.