Dreaming...

Last night I had a dream that Tacen was back with us. In my dream he had come back and he was 28 months and it was right now because Dax was 22 months. I was so excited to see him again. I was worried about how I would split my time with he and Daxon knowing that I just wanted to hold him and never let him go! The boys were only 6 months apart in age. They were wearing the same size clothes and both in diapers. It was like having twins, but having missed the reality of it over the last 2 years.
When I awoke this morning I couldn't get the idea out of my mind. Often when I think of Tacen still being with us I picture him being 3.5 years old like he would have been, but thinking of him being almost the same age of Daxon brought new thoughts and ideas.
It was fun for me to think about it for a while. I sat and thought about the fact that we are planning to move Daxon in to Tacen's room in the next month or so. I thought about how we would have done that. I remembered how Tace used to fall asleep in front of the door and thought about he and Dax in there falling asleep in front of the door together. We would need another car seat and booster chair for dinner.
I also thought of how jealous the boys would be of each other. I could just see them both wanting myself or Cade. I mentioned this to Cade and he said we'd all wrestle!
I thought of the chaos that would ensue in our lives over the coming months as we prepare to add this sweet baby girl to our family, but how we would go from having one hear to three in a matter of a few short months.
I thought of how much Daxon would love to have Tacen to play with and after they both adjusted to each other how much fun they would have together! I could just picture them being the best of friends!
Most of all I thought of how wonderful it would be to have our little family all together! I thought about how it would be an adjustment. How our days would probably be crazy, but how wonderful they would be! I thought about how above all else that's what I long for the most in life. I long to have our sweet Tacen here with us and have our family together, even if that means it would be utterly chaotic. We'd adapt and it would be oh so wonderful!
It was such a pleasant dream, I almost didn't want to wake up from it. I know that someday we'll have the chance to be together again, but until then sometimes it's nice to get caught up in a dream. To think of what our lives might be like and to enjoy the thought of it all! Because even though I am so thankful for the many wonderful blessing I have in my life. Even though I honestly love my life. I will always long to have Tacen here with us. I will always miss him. He will always be apart of our family!

Getting through the hard days

I've been thinking a lot lately about getting caught up in the hard days of having small children. I understand it's entirely inevitable some days. I sadly still have my days where I am less than patience with Dax and I always feel sad when that happens. I also understand that this is natural and normal. We are in fact human! 

You see I had many a "hard" day the 6 months I was blessed to have both my boys here together on earth! Tacen had many difficult days and was up and down in his walking and abilities. You add to that a fuss ball baby of Dax and I had my struggles. Thankfully, another tender mercy, the spirit whispered to me often stop and enjoy this right now! I did my best although I was and continue to be far from perfect in my efforts. What I may have deemed "hard" at that time in my life were some of the most wonderful days of having our small family of 4 all together here on earth. They are precious days I will always cherish!

My sweet sister-in-law Christina sent me a link to The Sullengers blog. http://www.sullengers.com/

I started going through their blog and story. There is something comforting and therapeutic for me read through stories similar to ours. As I read through one particular part stuck out to me from this post:

"For all of you who have lost a child, or who will in the future, I'm not going to pretend it isn't the most painful and difficult thing I've ever experienced. I've always wanted to be a mother, and have loved every single moment. To all the mom's out there I think you're simply amazing. I don't think we realize how much time we give up, and how much we love doing what we do for our children. To revert back to only having myself and Patrick to think about is difficult. It's painful to wake up each morning to silence and not hearing Preslee call out "mama." I miss the long stroller walks and reading her books. I miss the tender moments I had with her saying her nightly prayers right before bed. I even miss the tantrums thrown in public. :) I miss everything about that little girl. Again, it's so difficult to go back being consumed with myself, and not focused on Preslee.

President Thomas S. Monson, stated: “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.” 

That's what being a mother is, it's service. That's why it brings so much joy. So tonight, when you've had a long day and your kids are on your nerves, realize how much different you would be without them."

After reading this I was again filled with thoughts of how grateful I am we had little Daxon. I say often he's probably the biggest reason I got "through" the days following Tacen passing away. He was my purpose! I often think why were we so lucky to have had him here with is during this difficult time. 

One thing I've thought of is how special Daxon is and how his smile and vivacious ways were needed in our family at that time. There was a dramatic change in Daxon in the month before and after Tacen passed away. I believe he knew what was happening! He's our sun spot!

Secondly, because of the nature of Tacen's condition and the fact that we still don't know what he passed away from it would have made for a difficult decision to have more children(it still has been), but being able to watch Daxon grow and develop normally has been such a comfort and reassurance to us. Again we needed him!

My point in all of this is, it's easy to get caught up in hard days with small children. This has been on my mind a lot lately. However, you can never get those days back and there is no guarantee in life! I would do anything to still have Tacen here with us! Daxon loves friends right now and I desperately wish he could have Tacen here as his best friend! But I know that was not the plan for our family and I move forward with faith each day. But because of my sweet Tacen I will always carry a different outlook on life. It's too short and I want to do my best to enjoy each day! I want to hold Daxon a little closer, let him play in the mud a little more and try to cherish each day we have together, the good, the bad and the ugly because you just never know! Because I love being a mother and because I love my boys with all my heart! 

Change is Inevitable

We are getting ready to make a big move across the country at the end of the summer. We are also preparing to welcome a new baby into our family in just a few short months. These are some big family changes coming our way. Our little Dax will be two in a couple months and is quickly approaching the age of Tacen when he passed away. With this happening he will be wearing many of the clothes that Tacen wore not long before he passed away. Many of the clothes that we have so many wonderful memories of Tacen wearing.  Yesterday morning (2.18.14) it was a warm enough day I wanted to put Daxon in a short sleeve shirt. I went into Tacen's room to get him one and it was surprisingly more difficult than I expected! Tears began streaming down my face as I thought of Tacen in the shirts I was looking at hanging in "his" closet! It brought a lot of unexpected emotions.
When Tacen passed away we left everything pretty much the same in his room. We hung his shirts in his closet, left his rocking chair, his blankets, stuffed animals, pictures, etc. It's his room! We've loved referring to it as Tacen's room. We go in his room each evening and have scripture study and prayers with Daxon before he goes to bed. With the anticipation of a new little bundle of joy and with Daxon getting bigger we will soon (less than a month now) be moving him into Tacen's room. It will become his room. I know this is something we need to do, but it's hard at the same time. Cade and I discussed leaving Tacen's things hanging and what not. But with our move across the country whether we take them down now or in 6 months its going to happen. Leaving this home, the last place we were with Tacen, and moving forward in our lives will be very bittersweet. I keep hoping that as we make some small changes along the way maybe the biggest change of all won't be quite so difficult.
I had a precious moment a morning last week. I was looking out over our front yard while outside playing with Dax and thinking just how much I am going to miss this place. I then thought of all the wonderful memories we created with Tacen and the many wonderful things that have come to our family here. To name a couple the addition of Daxon and baby tuey to our family. But mostly I was pondering being able to look and see Tacen in so many places here. I felt the spirit whisper to me that those memories would always be there and he'd always be apart of our lives. He'd always be near. This is something I know, but it that moment it was a sweet tender mercy! I do miss that boy, but I'm thankful each day to have known him, loved him to and know that he is mine forever. Even if we are separated for a short time! Needless to say Change is Inevitable! But I'll do my best to keep smiling, because I know that's what Tacen did!

Each Day is a Blessing

About a week and half before Tacen passed away he started throwing up very inconsistently. That coupled with his regression in walking really alarmed me and Cade. It made no sense! When they began figuring out (as much as they were able to) what was going on they discovered that due to the excess fluid which caused his spine to stroke out, it was pushing up into his brain and causing the part of his brain which told him to throw up to be without oxygen. That is why he was throwing up so very sporadically.
That being said whenever Daxon throws up (it doesn't happen very often thankfully), it sends me back to that time. I worry so much that something bigger is the matter. The Christmas after Tacen passed away we were flying home for the holidays and Daxon threw up once on the plane. It worried Cade and I a great deal.
Yesterday morning Dax threw up. He was really worked up (I was making him sit in his seat to eat breakfast) and I thought he had worked himself up so much he'd thrown up. When he threw up again a couple hours later I began to think that was something ailing him. Long story short he had the stomach flu. He threw up 4 times yesterday, but is doing well today(thank the heavens)!
You see when Tacen was throwing up I never in my wildest dreams would have linked it to what was really causing it. Kids throw up. Adults throw up (I have been throwing up for the past 4 months straight)! So when Tacen began throwing up I didn't think anything of it. However, after all we went through with Tacen my bubble of security isn't as big as it used to be. Therefore, when Daxon throws up, I immediately worry! You see I need him! I need him desperately! He's my little sunspot in my cloudiest of days and he's my little sunspot in my happiest of days. He brings me so much light and joy!
Losing Tacen has really opened my eyes to how fragile life really is. Overall, I have learned a great deal from this. I have been stretched! Most days its so much easier for me to let the mess slide, the house not be as clean as I might like it. I give in to Daxon, because some battles just aren't worth fighting. I know how fast things can change and that has brought new perspective in my life.
Bottom line is no matter how frustrated I can get with how strong-will and tempered my cute Daxon is or how tired he may make me. I love him. I need him! I hate seeing him sick! I hate worrying about losing him! But I love him! He's one of Heavenly Father's greatest blessings and tender mercies in my life. I really don't think I would have gotten to this point after losing Tacen without him. So each day he's healthy. Each day he walks and runs and is just my normal little boy! I am thankful! Because each day is a blessing!

Thinking on the Ressurection

Cade and I were reading together the other evening for our couple's scripture study and we were reading in Doctrine and Covenants section 88 verse 97 really stuck out to me! In the verses right before this they are talking of the second coming and what will commence! Verse 97 reads:

97 And they who have slept in their graves shall come forth, for their graves shall be opened; and they also shall be caught up to meet him in the midst of the pillar of heaven--

 (D&C 88:97)

Also, I remember the talk Like A Broken Vessel by Elder Holland, being given in October 2013 General Conference. When it was given the part below stood out to me. We went over this in our Relief Society lesson last Sunday and again this part stood out to me.

"I testify of the holy Resurrection, that unspeakable cornerstone gift in the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ! With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that which was sown in corruption will one day be raised in incorruption and that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.”12 Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show “compassion one of another,”13  (Like a Broken Vessel)"

I love reading things like this and thinking of my sweet Tacen coming forth and being able to see him again! I also enjoy thinking about how he'll be able to walk and run without restraint. He won't have the mortal struggles he faced in this life! What a beautiful picture that paints in my mind!  I'm so very grateful for the knowledge I find in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For my testimony not only of eternal families, but also of the resurrection and the glorious day when I can be reunited with my son in his perfected state! What a blessing to have modern day prophets and the gospel restored! 

Brothers...Even if Separated

As a family we have watched the below video more than a dozen times. Daxon loves it and laughs along with Tacen for being so silly in the mud.

The other morning (12.13.13) Daxon was playing in my bathtub while I was getting ready for the day. He started laughing and it got my attention. I looked over and knew instantly what he was doing and that he was impersonating the above video of Tacen.

It's these precious little moments that I love! Seeing Daxon follow after his big brother in simple, but small ways helps me to know that Tacen is influencing his brother from afar. They'll always be brothers even if they don't get to be together right now and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm so thankful that we have a beautiful guardian angel in our sweet Tacen watching over Daxon and all of us. And I'm so glad that Tacen's silly ways can show up in the most unexpected of times just like his little brother impersonating a video he had seen before. Love my boys! I love that heaven is so much closer than I often realize and I'm so lucky that I have these little reminders every so often!

It's been a Tacen day

This morning Daxon discovered Finn (This was Tacen's favorite car, but we actually burried him with his and this a replacement car) sitting on Tacen's shelf in the living room. He wanted to play with it. As we were sitting by the front window in the kitchen waving good bye to Dad as he left for school, Daxon began to push the Finn car in the window sill. I instantly went back to Tacen who not only LOVED this car, but would be found frequently driving cars in the window sill. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of a sweet similarity for that small moment in my boys who I often think are so vastly different most days. I consider these moments tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father and a reminder that Tacen is near!
Some pictures of Tacen driving his cars in the window sill and one of Dax too!

As the day went on Daxon pulled down Tacen's baby book from G'ma Sue and began looking through it saying, Mommy, Dad, Papa and Baby (we are still working on Grandma). As we were looking through his book after the Finn experience it again brought me to tears thinking of my sweet boy and just missing him.
Later in the day I got the mail and a package had arrived for something I had order. Long story short she had found this blog and Tacen's story and was touched by his story. She'd sent me a gold T initial necklace. This is a woman I do not know at all and her thoughtfulness amazed me! I have continually throughout the process of losing Tacen and missing him been amazed at the kindness of others! I love the necklace and I love that we often used to call Tacen - "T."
Tacen has filled my thoughts today. For me it is good to take a day now and then to miss him a little extra. To let the tears flow freely. To think of our sweet boy and just be in the middle of it all. I probably don't take the time for this often enough, but I find the days I do to be very therapeutic. So thinking of you a little extra today Tacen! Loving you always!