One year

One year ago today our sweet Tacen returned back to our Father in Heaven after just 28 short months of life here on earth! Not a day goes by that we don't think about and miss him. 

As I've gone through the past year my goal has been and continues to be able to find the little positives that have come from losing Tacen. I was talking to Cade recently about a talk from General Conference by Elder Dube. He uses a story about not looking back and relates it to our opportunities to serv in the church. It made me think though that looking back over the past year helps me to learn a lot. 

For one I made it. After Tacen passed away it was all I could do to take it one day at a time, but I survived a year. Surely that helps me to see I can make it another. 

I remember as I watched friends of ours loose children thinking I could NEVER do that. But it's amazing what you can do when you have to! I can do hard things!

Here are somethings I learned about myself over the past year. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be(even though some moments, days or even weeks I don't feel that way). 

My testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is stronger! My relationship with my Savior is stronger because it is through him that I have made it through! 

My testimony of the plan of salvation is stronger! 

My love for an all knowing Heavenly Father is stronger. He knows how to comfort me. He knows who I need to help me and give me strength here! He knows me! He has blessed us in countless ways! 

My desire to do the best I can each day so I can be with my sweet Tacen again is stronger! 

My resolve to be thankful each day for the time I have with family is stronger! Life is short and you never know how long you have! 

I am a better version of me than I was a year ago! I can't change that Tacen is gone. If I could Heaven knows I would do so in a second! But I can try to learn and grow and become better! 

I continue to be thankful each and every day that we had the blessing to have Tacen in our home as long as we did. 28 months will never feel long enough, but I will FOREVER be grateful for those 28 months. Tacen taught me so much in that short time. To be his mother is a blessing I will always hold close to my heart! I love that boy! Being his mother was/is a gift. Learning from his precious example is a gift! Remembering him is a gift! How blessed we are to have him as a part of our Eternal Family and to have an angel watching out for us. I have felt his influence many times through the past year! I know he's closer than I often realize! We miss you sweet boy, always!

A Poem For Tace

As we approach the one year mark,

A place you will forever hold in my heart!

Though the days, weeks, months and years go by,

Upon our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ we will rely!

Until that day when we can see you again,

And the joys of eternity will begin!

Conference Weekend Last Year (2012)

As we hit General Conference weekend I recalled a memory from last year. It was conference weekend. We had gotten Daxon asleep (a feet in and of its self at that age and stage for him) and Tace was supposed to be down for a nap as well. Cade and I decided we'd take a nap since it was a rarity for us. As we laid down we could here sweet Tace in his room playing with a tool toy we had given him the previous Christmas. We couldn't help sitting there laughing. We left him for a bit and we slept some. Anyways, kind of silly, but a sweet memory of my sweet boy. I sure do miss him. We are inching closer to closing in our first entire year without our sweet boy. It some ways it has gone by quickly, but overall it feels like an eternity since we saw our sweet boy last!

As I listened to conference today one talk made me think of Tace. It was Elder Holland speaking about how the day will come when our Savior will come and all those who had physical or any other aliments will be healed and we will see them in their perfect state! As Daxon has grown and developed I personally have realized what a struggle our sweet Tace really had all the time. I have realized even more the simple things that were hard for him and the challenges he faced. I will always look up to him for the way he faced his struggles with a smile on that cute little face of his! He's our little engine that could! I can't wait for the day to come when I can see him again in his resurrected glory, whole and complete with that precious smile on his face. I have no doubt in my mind it will be spectacular and glorious!

Making My Heart Smile

Every so often Daxon will do something that Tacen used to do(the older he gets the more I notice this). It's not all too often because, for being brothers, these two boys couldn't be more polar opposites! The age and phase Dax is in right now though brings out things that Tace used to do more than ever before. This is really a tender mercy and fun for us to see their little similarities every so often. It truly makes my heart smile! I love these two boys so very much!

This picture of Tace was taken around this time last year!

Visiting the cemetery and seeing Tacen's Headstone

Monday (8.19.13) I finally made it out to Tacen's headstone. I had debated heavily if I wanted to go by myself or wait until Cade got there. I finally decided to go and then I'd go back with Cade. It looks so nice and it oddly, made it feel all the more real.
Cade and I went over Sunday (8.25.13) and Cade got to see it for the first time. We were also able to visit once more on Friday (8.30.13) before we headed back home.  Each time tears were shed and it sank in a little deeper (I didn't know that was possible) that he's really gone. The headstone is a beautiful tribute to our sweet boy! Seeing his little face on it was both beautiful and heart wrenching! It represents him well and all the things he loved so much! It felt nice to be able to go and visit and we hope one day to be closer and able to visit more often then we get to under our current circumstances.
Daxon ran around obliviously and Cade and I chatted and missed T!

While out playing on the deck with Daxon(8.19.13) I was sitting in the rocking chair. I noticed this leaf which took me back to the last time I was out playing on my parents deck with Tacen and he was trying to get all the leaves off the deck. It was a sweet reminder that he's closer that I often realize!

Introducing our family of 4...

Yesterday while we were attending sacrament meeting we were able to hear from a member of our ward, who has also lost a child. We've had several new families move into our ward in recent months and she went about introducing her family to those she did not yet know. She went about talking about how they have 4 children, her oldest daughter, her oldest son, who has passed away and would be 15, and then her other two sons.
I've often wondered and struggled with how to go about including Tacen. He's such an important and integral part of our family. I often just say when asked, our oldest son Tacen, passed away last October. But I loved this simple introduction. I have a feeling I will be using this in the future when we introduce our family in new places. I also loved including how old he would be. Because I often think about how he would be 3, and it's an easier way for me to think about it then having to pin down when he passed away. I would much rather dwell on his life and example, on how old he would be than dwell on when he left this life.
These little experiences I have help me to figure out the best way I want to do things and what helps me to handle things best. This is an experience that I will be remembering and using in the future.

Thoughts...

This weekend we had some friends in our ward who were blessed to have a 3rd child, a boy join their family. When he made his arrival their two other children Charlotte and Atticus were staying in our home. Not long after baby Gabriel was born it was discovered that his main two arteries were switched and he would need to undergo open heart surgery. Charlotte and Atticus stayed the night in our home in Tacen's room. We have a day bed(my old day bed from growing up). The day bed also has a trundle bed underneath. I had the chance that night to sit with them on Tacen's bed and by Atticus' choice read, "The Little Engine that Could," arguably T's favorite book! Atticus is just a few months older than Tace would be and naturally my mind went to Tacen. It was so much fun having these children in our home. I've been anxious since Tacen started talking more and more to have a little talker in our home and it was fun having these children stay with us! 

That night as I was thinking of baby Gabriel and his family and this trial they are facing I kept thinking of Tace and hoping he'd watch over little Gabriel. The next day I found out that the odd of a successful surgery and normal life are 95%! That's awesome and really great odds. He is at LeBonhuer where Tace was and they have such a wonderful facility there I know he's in good hands.
With all this its got me thinking. It's got me thinking about how really fragile life is (although I've spent much time considering this over the past 9 months). I've thought about how amazing it really is that babies are born every day healthy and without any major complications when there is so much that could go wrong.
I've thought a great deal about the blessings of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The knowledge and testimony that I have of these restored truths has always been a constant in my life, but especially over the past 9 months without Tacen it has given me the answers to my questions, strength and courage to get up each day and most importantly knowing that I can see my sweet boy again! This is a miraculous gift in my life, that I strive each day not to take for granted! I have full faith that a loving Heavenly Father will help us to face the trials that come our way and if we allow him he will give us strength and support to overcome all we are asked to face. The Savior of all mankind has descended below them all. It is my knowledge and testimony and the strength of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ that help me each day. That reassure me when hard times come our way. Because of this knowledge and strength I look forward to the day when I can see Tacen again. I look forward with happiness and excitement because this life is not he end! Because he is doing what Heavenly Father intended for him to do on the other side of the veil and I will continue each day to do my best so I can be with him again.
So I hope over the coming weeks and months that I can be a help and support to this sweet family, through this trial that they are facing. I know Heavenly Father will not leave them comfortless. And all these these things shall be for their good even though in the middle of them its sometimes hard to see that. I have grown so much over the past few months and I hope I can continue to do so. So here's to taking each day and realizing its a gift and striving to find the good in the world around us!