Brothers...Even if Separated

As a family we have watched the below video more than a dozen times. Daxon loves it and laughs along with Tacen for being so silly in the mud.

The other morning (12.13.13) Daxon was playing in my bathtub while I was getting ready for the day. He started laughing and it got my attention. I looked over and knew instantly what he was doing and that he was impersonating the above video of Tacen.

It's these precious little moments that I love! Seeing Daxon follow after his big brother in simple, but small ways helps me to know that Tacen is influencing his brother from afar. They'll always be brothers even if they don't get to be together right now and for that I'm eternally grateful. I'm so thankful that we have a beautiful guardian angel in our sweet Tacen watching over Daxon and all of us. And I'm so glad that Tacen's silly ways can show up in the most unexpected of times just like his little brother impersonating a video he had seen before. Love my boys! I love that heaven is so much closer than I often realize and I'm so lucky that I have these little reminders every so often!

It's been a Tacen day

This morning Daxon discovered Finn (This was Tacen's favorite car, but we actually burried him with his and this a replacement car) sitting on Tacen's shelf in the living room. He wanted to play with it. As we were sitting by the front window in the kitchen waving good bye to Dad as he left for school, Daxon began to push the Finn car in the window sill. I instantly went back to Tacen who not only LOVED this car, but would be found frequently driving cars in the window sill. Tears filled my eyes as I thought of a sweet similarity for that small moment in my boys who I often think are so vastly different most days. I consider these moments tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father and a reminder that Tacen is near!
Some pictures of Tacen driving his cars in the window sill and one of Dax too!

As the day went on Daxon pulled down Tacen's baby book from G'ma Sue and began looking through it saying, Mommy, Dad, Papa and Baby (we are still working on Grandma). As we were looking through his book after the Finn experience it again brought me to tears thinking of my sweet boy and just missing him.
Later in the day I got the mail and a package had arrived for something I had order. Long story short she had found this blog and Tacen's story and was touched by his story. She'd sent me a gold T initial necklace. This is a woman I do not know at all and her thoughtfulness amazed me! I have continually throughout the process of losing Tacen and missing him been amazed at the kindness of others! I love the necklace and I love that we often used to call Tacen - "T."
Tacen has filled my thoughts today. For me it is good to take a day now and then to miss him a little extra. To let the tears flow freely. To think of our sweet boy and just be in the middle of it all. I probably don't take the time for this often enough, but I find the days I do to be very therapeutic. So thinking of you a little extra today Tacen! Loving you always!

Having Faith

I have been having some thoughts in relation to an article I read recently in the Ensign as well as some lessons we have recently in Sunday School or Relief Society. The talk was taken from a CES Talk given by Elder David A. Bednar That We Might "Not...Shrink" (D&C 19:18)

In the article I read it tells of a young couple John 23 and Heather 20 who just 3 weeks after being sealed in the temple found out that John had cancer and the prospect was not good.  Elder Bednar visited them and this is something that he shared:

I then posed questions I had not planned to ask and had never previously considered: “[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”
...We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength....
...John continued: “Having the faith not to be healed seemed counterintuitive; but that perspective changed the way my wife and I thought and allowed us to put our trust fully in the Father’s plan for us. We learned we needed to gain the faith that the Lord is in charge whatever the outcome may be, and He will guide us from where we are to where we need to be. As we prayed, our petitions changed from ‘Please make me whole’ to ‘Please give me the faith to accept whatever outcome Thou hast planned for me.’

There are parts of this story that I relate to. I appreciated this perspective coming from an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ because so many times the stories we do hear are those of healing, but that's not the plan for all of us. And you know what that's ok too.

Often in church we talk about being healed. We talk about having enough faith to be healed. That if we have enough faith and we are worthy we will be healed. Things of that nature. Please let me state that I completely believe this to be true. However, there are times in our lives regardless of our faith, regardless of the number of faithful people united in prayer and fasting for a cause (such as our sweet Tacen) that Heavenly Father's will is not for this person to be healed. This comes to my mind often during these lessons. I think of the great faith that we had and all of those throughout the country and world - both friends and family we knew and friends and family members of our friends who were united in prayer. I think of the many prayer rolls around the world which had Tacen name on them. Let me say that I still know without a shadow of a doubt that if Heavenly Father had wanted to perform a miracle and heal Tacen, he could have! However, I also know that Heavenly Father's plan for Tacen and our family was that he return to heaven. Our God is a God of miracles. I know that. But He has a plan for each of us and sometimes part of that is learning to trust him even when the outcome might not be as we might have wished it to be. Yet in the end this plan and the things that occur will help us become who we need to be.  For He sees the beginning from the end.

And then there were 3...

We are expecting our third child, due May 24, 2014.

This was not a decision we came to lightly! We've been so nervous that we might lose Daxon to the same thing that took our sweet Tacen. From the moment he started walking we began watching him like hawks! Each time he'd fall we wonder if that was developmentally normal. Tace had his first regression around 14 months, so we knew we'd need to watch Dax then and when he started teething molars. 

We've watched and thankfully he has done so well mobility wise! I really need Daxon in my life! He's our sun spot! We are certain we'll never feel 100% in the clear, but we are thankful each day to see Daxon developing so well!

We started talking about adding another child. When we were in Utah for Tacen's services I remember feeling overcome with the fact that all I wanted was to have a family and grow old and be surrounded by the ones I love. I understood then that would require us to have more children. We'd always wanted more children. I knew I desperately wanted Dax to have a sibling here! 

As summer came and our discussion  became more serious our fears and concerns arose! With much prayer, fasting and thought we finally found the comfort we desperately needed to move forward. 

Our fears of losing another precious child will always be there! But for now we are putting faith in a loving Heavenly Father and his plan for us and our family! He continues to give us the comfort we need! 

After we found out we were expecting this precious baby I soon realized how scared I was to want this! Because wanting it would make it all the harder on me to lose it. Sometimes it still feels easier to act nonchalant about this pregnancy then to let myself feel the desire we have for another child! 

Not a day goes by that we don't think of Tacen and miss him! There will never be anything that can replace him nor would we want there to be! We love that little boy and are so thankful he's apart of our eternal family! I like to think of him up there with baby tuey(what we will call this one til he/she arrives). I wonder about what they are doing and if Tace is telling him/her nice things about our family! It helps me realize Heaven isn't so far away! So here we are excited and nervous that we are adding to our family!
So far this pregnancy I have been a lot sicker than with the previous two, but things are going well. I always count the blessing of at least knowing if I'm still not feeling well then the baby is still in there making me feel yucky. We've had two appointments and things are looking and sounding (heartbeat of 165bpm) good. We feel very blessed to have this opportunity to add to our family and feel the hand of our Father in Heaven guiding us! 

One year

One year ago today our sweet Tacen returned back to our Father in Heaven after just 28 short months of life here on earth! Not a day goes by that we don't think about and miss him. 

As I've gone through the past year my goal has been and continues to be able to find the little positives that have come from losing Tacen. I was talking to Cade recently about a talk from General Conference by Elder Dube. He uses a story about not looking back and relates it to our opportunities to serv in the church. It made me think though that looking back over the past year helps me to learn a lot. 

For one I made it. After Tacen passed away it was all I could do to take it one day at a time, but I survived a year. Surely that helps me to see I can make it another. 

I remember as I watched friends of ours loose children thinking I could NEVER do that. But it's amazing what you can do when you have to! I can do hard things!

Here are somethings I learned about myself over the past year. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be(even though some moments, days or even weeks I don't feel that way). 

My testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is stronger! My relationship with my Savior is stronger because it is through him that I have made it through! 

My testimony of the plan of salvation is stronger! 

My love for an all knowing Heavenly Father is stronger. He knows how to comfort me. He knows who I need to help me and give me strength here! He knows me! He has blessed us in countless ways! 

My desire to do the best I can each day so I can be with my sweet Tacen again is stronger! 

My resolve to be thankful each day for the time I have with family is stronger! Life is short and you never know how long you have! 

I am a better version of me than I was a year ago! I can't change that Tacen is gone. If I could Heaven knows I would do so in a second! But I can try to learn and grow and become better! 

I continue to be thankful each and every day that we had the blessing to have Tacen in our home as long as we did. 28 months will never feel long enough, but I will FOREVER be grateful for those 28 months. Tacen taught me so much in that short time. To be his mother is a blessing I will always hold close to my heart! I love that boy! Being his mother was/is a gift. Learning from his precious example is a gift! Remembering him is a gift! How blessed we are to have him as a part of our Eternal Family and to have an angel watching out for us. I have felt his influence many times through the past year! I know he's closer than I often realize! We miss you sweet boy, always!

A Poem For Tace

As we approach the one year mark,

A place you will forever hold in my heart!

Though the days, weeks, months and years go by,

Upon our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ we will rely!

Until that day when we can see you again,

And the joys of eternity will begin!

Conference Weekend Last Year (2012)

As we hit General Conference weekend I recalled a memory from last year. It was conference weekend. We had gotten Daxon asleep (a feet in and of its self at that age and stage for him) and Tace was supposed to be down for a nap as well. Cade and I decided we'd take a nap since it was a rarity for us. As we laid down we could here sweet Tace in his room playing with a tool toy we had given him the previous Christmas. We couldn't help sitting there laughing. We left him for a bit and we slept some. Anyways, kind of silly, but a sweet memory of my sweet boy. I sure do miss him. We are inching closer to closing in our first entire year without our sweet boy. It some ways it has gone by quickly, but overall it feels like an eternity since we saw our sweet boy last!

As I listened to conference today one talk made me think of Tace. It was Elder Holland speaking about how the day will come when our Savior will come and all those who had physical or any other aliments will be healed and we will see them in their perfect state! As Daxon has grown and developed I personally have realized what a struggle our sweet Tace really had all the time. I have realized even more the simple things that were hard for him and the challenges he faced. I will always look up to him for the way he faced his struggles with a smile on that cute little face of his! He's our little engine that could! I can't wait for the day to come when I can see him again in his resurrected glory, whole and complete with that precious smile on his face. I have no doubt in my mind it will be spectacular and glorious!

Making My Heart Smile

Every so often Daxon will do something that Tacen used to do(the older he gets the more I notice this). It's not all too often because, for being brothers, these two boys couldn't be more polar opposites! The age and phase Dax is in right now though brings out things that Tace used to do more than ever before. This is really a tender mercy and fun for us to see their little similarities every so often. It truly makes my heart smile! I love these two boys so very much!

This picture of Tace was taken around this time last year!

Visiting the cemetery and seeing Tacen's Headstone

Monday (8.19.13) I finally made it out to Tacen's headstone. I had debated heavily if I wanted to go by myself or wait until Cade got there. I finally decided to go and then I'd go back with Cade. It looks so nice and it oddly, made it feel all the more real.
Cade and I went over Sunday (8.25.13) and Cade got to see it for the first time. We were also able to visit once more on Friday (8.30.13) before we headed back home.  Each time tears were shed and it sank in a little deeper (I didn't know that was possible) that he's really gone. The headstone is a beautiful tribute to our sweet boy! Seeing his little face on it was both beautiful and heart wrenching! It represents him well and all the things he loved so much! It felt nice to be able to go and visit and we hope one day to be closer and able to visit more often then we get to under our current circumstances.
Daxon ran around obliviously and Cade and I chatted and missed T!

While out playing on the deck with Daxon(8.19.13) I was sitting in the rocking chair. I noticed this leaf which took me back to the last time I was out playing on my parents deck with Tacen and he was trying to get all the leaves off the deck. It was a sweet reminder that he's closer that I often realize!

Introducing our family of 4...

Yesterday while we were attending sacrament meeting we were able to hear from a member of our ward, who has also lost a child. We've had several new families move into our ward in recent months and she went about introducing her family to those she did not yet know. She went about talking about how they have 4 children, her oldest daughter, her oldest son, who has passed away and would be 15, and then her other two sons.
I've often wondered and struggled with how to go about including Tacen. He's such an important and integral part of our family. I often just say when asked, our oldest son Tacen, passed away last October. But I loved this simple introduction. I have a feeling I will be using this in the future when we introduce our family in new places. I also loved including how old he would be. Because I often think about how he would be 3, and it's an easier way for me to think about it then having to pin down when he passed away. I would much rather dwell on his life and example, on how old he would be than dwell on when he left this life.
These little experiences I have help me to figure out the best way I want to do things and what helps me to handle things best. This is an experience that I will be remembering and using in the future.

Thoughts...

This weekend we had some friends in our ward who were blessed to have a 3rd child, a boy join their family. When he made his arrival their two other children Charlotte and Atticus were staying in our home. Not long after baby Gabriel was born it was discovered that his main two arteries were switched and he would need to undergo open heart surgery. Charlotte and Atticus stayed the night in our home in Tacen's room. We have a day bed(my old day bed from growing up). The day bed also has a trundle bed underneath. I had the chance that night to sit with them on Tacen's bed and by Atticus' choice read, "The Little Engine that Could," arguably T's favorite book! Atticus is just a few months older than Tace would be and naturally my mind went to Tacen. It was so much fun having these children in our home. I've been anxious since Tacen started talking more and more to have a little talker in our home and it was fun having these children stay with us! 

That night as I was thinking of baby Gabriel and his family and this trial they are facing I kept thinking of Tace and hoping he'd watch over little Gabriel. The next day I found out that the odd of a successful surgery and normal life are 95%! That's awesome and really great odds. He is at LeBonhuer where Tace was and they have such a wonderful facility there I know he's in good hands.
With all this its got me thinking. It's got me thinking about how really fragile life is (although I've spent much time considering this over the past 9 months). I've thought about how amazing it really is that babies are born every day healthy and without any major complications when there is so much that could go wrong.
I've thought a great deal about the blessings of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The knowledge and testimony that I have of these restored truths has always been a constant in my life, but especially over the past 9 months without Tacen it has given me the answers to my questions, strength and courage to get up each day and most importantly knowing that I can see my sweet boy again! This is a miraculous gift in my life, that I strive each day not to take for granted! I have full faith that a loving Heavenly Father will help us to face the trials that come our way and if we allow him he will give us strength and support to overcome all we are asked to face. The Savior of all mankind has descended below them all. It is my knowledge and testimony and the strength of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ that help me each day. That reassure me when hard times come our way. Because of this knowledge and strength I look forward to the day when I can see Tacen again. I look forward with happiness and excitement because this life is not he end! Because he is doing what Heavenly Father intended for him to do on the other side of the veil and I will continue each day to do my best so I can be with him again.
So I hope over the coming weeks and months that I can be a help and support to this sweet family, through this trial that they are facing. I know Heavenly Father will not leave them comfortless. And all these these things shall be for their good even though in the middle of them its sometimes hard to see that. I have grown so much over the past few months and I hope I can continue to do so. So here's to taking each day and realizing its a gift and striving to find the good in the world around us!

Comfort In, Dump Out!

My friend just sent me a link to this article. and I LOVED it! I can relate to this article on a number of levels. As we've gone through losing our son I have often had to stop myself and catch my tongue so I don't say something I'll regret, yet I often don't feel like I get this same courtesy from others. I've had people tell me that they're pretty sure they're having a harder time than I am or that this has been hard on them and their family too, this hasn't just affected me! As I've gotten different responses it often stops me in tracks and feels like a blow, but I have tried to let it go and move forward. I remember being around others who had lost loved ones especially children and babies and knowing that I didn't do or say the right thing. That being said I've tried to remember that as we've gone through the loss of Tacen and recognize that this is a plain out hard situation! But I love reading stuff like that article and sharing it to help others. I often wish I had been able to read things like this before so I would have known the right things to say or not to say.
My Aunt LuAnn gave a lesson in Relief Society. She was giving the lesson on the General Conference talk given by Shayne M. Bowen title, Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also. My Aunt wrote and asked me if could share any suggestions on things to say or not to say. One thing that Cade and I both agree on is that it's better to say something than to say nothing. Simply saying, "I'm sorry." "We love you." "I/We've been thinking about you." "You've been on my mind." Is so much better than ignoring it entirely. Mostly, going back to the above mentioned article. I've learned that I get a "get out of jail free" card whenever I want (Cade too) because this is hardest and closest to us. He is our son. We were used to having him in our life every single minute of every day and because of that we get to react how we want to. We get to do things the way we want to and that's how it should be. That doesn't mean I get to be mean, but it means that Cade and I get to handle this the way we choose to and if someone doesn't like that I guess I need to be ok with that. I'm trying my hardest to deal with this rough situation and come out on top and some days that requires all the strength I can muster! There...ramble done!

Bunny Lane

Let me preface this with saying that when Tacen was in the the hospital and he went in to get his angiogram they let him choose a toy from "Bunny Lane." This was a cupboard they had filled toys for children going into surgery. Tacen got a helicopter and it really made his little face light up. That was one of his last lucid moments with us and to know that the hospital provided him something that brought him so much joy really touched us.

As we drew neared to Tacen's birthday we really started thinking about what we wanted to do to celebrate him and his day. We knew that had he still been here with us we would have wanted to get him a gift. We decided that we'd offer to family and friends if they wanted to get a gift appropriate for a 3 year with us that we were going to donate them to LeBonhuer to Bunny Lane. We wanted to give back to something that had given our son so much joy during a hard time and something that still brings a smile to our face to think of him so happy. We had an outpouring from friends and family mostly of cars which Tacne would have LOVED! We personally got a little remote control monster truck that I'm pretty certain he would have been wild about. This last Wednesday (7/17/13) we finally made it to LeBonhuer to deliver our goodies. As pictured below we had two huge bags of toys. We took it up to the surgical wing and a Rachel from Child Life came to talk with us. She was surprised at what we had to donate! She asked where we had gotten all the toys and said how Bunny Lane runs out of toys quickly. They seem to have extra surgeries during the summer and they run out even more quickly. We explained about Tacen and how we were donating the toys in his memory. Rachel was gracious and kind. She couldn't believe we'd come down to make a trip just to drop off these toys. We were and continue to be so impressed with the caliber of hospital we find in LeBonhuer. Cade and I have talked about it and we know that we want to continue to get a gift for Tacen for his birthday in the coming years and donate to LeBohnuer or whatever children's hospital we live nearest to. I believe this will be a the beginning of a wonderful tradition for our family!

Celebrating T

Yesterday was a hard, but good day. I started out my day pretty weepy! I was just missing my little boy and wishing that he was here with us for his birthday. I never anticipated things like this in my life. As we have gone through this many things of this first year without Tacen are a new experience. After my morning run yesterday Daxon was running around out front playing and just having fun. I sat in my driveway and just had a good cry. I was thinking about my sweet boy and how he used to run up and down the side walk with his green tractor or how he'd push the paint roller up and down the driveway. I just missed him! As my morning went on I was touched my sweet text messages, phone calls and facebook messages of family and friends remembering our sweet boy and remembering us. Most often the simple act brought tears to my eye and warmth to my heart!
I knew that I couldn't stay at home all day. We have a play group here with some of our friends who also have husbands in school. There are 4 of us that each had babies about a month apart and then another friend who has a cute little four month old. We usually get together on Thursdays, but since this week was the 4th of July, I knew we'd miss it. I decided to extend an invite to see if they wanted to go to the splash park with us. Tacen LOVED the splash park. Every time we went (which wasn't often enough) we would have to drag him kicking and screaming to go home. He was never ready to go. He would have stayed ALL day if he could. With his walking he'd start to get tired and he'd start falling a lot, but he just loved the water so much and just wanted to stay. I figured if he was still here this is probably how we would have spent his birthday any ways. Somewhere in the water. So my friends willingly met me out there even though its a 30-45 minute drive for everyone and even messed up some nap schedules. I know this probably seemed like such a simple thing, but it meant so much to me to have them take the time and even mess up their schedules to meet me and Dax and spend some time with us. It was exactly what I needed! It was so great to get out of the house and be with friends and feel care free for a few hours during a day that I was desperately missing my little boy!

 After the splash park my sweet friend Jen came over with her girls to spend the afternoon with me. Again this meant so much to me. Instead of spending naptime missing my sweet boy I had some great distractions. It was again exactly what I needed and I so appreciated her taking the time to come and spend with me. Her girls didn't get their naps like they would have had they gone home and I know that was hard on her, but it meant so much to me to have her here. It really made the afternoon pass quickly. We laughed and chatted and had a nice afternoon!
We wanted to have a small get together with some of our friends who were closest to Tacen when he was still here. I made a cake and got ice cream, we put some pictures up of Tacen in our black boxes and played the picture/video that G'ma Sue made for the viewing/funeral. We had them over at 6:30pm and it was again perfect. We talked about Tacen and reminisced, but mostly just enjoyed each other's company and that's again exactly what we needed. We love the Longshores, Walters. Rothlisbergers and Mosses and most importantly Tacen loved these people. We were so thankful they could be here with us(Grandma Brenda and Billy had to be out of town, but we know they would have loved to be here with us).
We had told people we were getting a gift and we were planning to take them to Le Bonheur and donate them to children going into surgery because before Tacen went in for his angiogram he was able to pick a helicopter out and he made him so happy in a time that he was most likely in pain and having a really hard time. We knew we wanted to do something to help other children like that and we figured we would have gotten Tace a gift so why not still get one and donate them. We had an outpouring from family and friends participating. We got several cars because that was T's favorite. He would have LOVED the gifts and we hope that there will another child who will enjoy them!

We decided we wanted to let off blue/turquoise balloons for his birthday and let them fly up to heaven to him. (Our pictures are compliments of our amazing friend Heidi! Thanks Heidi). Daxon didn't quite understand where the balloons went and kept pointing towards the sky like we needed to go and get them. I think this may a tradition we continue for years to come as we celebrate our sweet boy's birthday. We extended an invite to any of our family and friends who wanted to participate and share pictures with us. I was amazing and touched my so many that decided to celebrate with us! From Germany, Texas and all over Utah! I can't say that yesterday wasn't hard. It's not fair to have to celebrate Tacen's birthday without him, but we are so thankful to all our wonderful family and friends for their amazing gestures of kindness! We love you! We know that families can be together forever and we are so thankful we will see our sweet Tacen again!