This Time of Year

As I hung our stockings on the wall I love that I get to hang Tacen's. It's the little things that make me smile and miss him all at the same time! I'm so happy when I have tangible things that show he is apart of our family. I love looking up at the wall and reading his name up there. I love thinking about the two Christmases we had with him and the fun and excitement. Yet, I long to have him here. I read his name and I also feel some sadness that he's not here with us. It's a mixture of emotions!

My parents have been and continue to be so great about helping to decorate Tacen's grave. We went out last Friday (12.4.15) to help Papa put a tree and snowflake on Tacen's grave. This is a confusing and hard thing for Daxon to understand and it's something we are learning to navigate through with him. It's also special to hear him say things like, "(while looking at the picture of Tacen) That's my brother!" "I want one of the cars off of the tree (sharing his always hard)."  I love how much Daxon knows his brother.

As this time of year comes I am filled with gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ! Because of a small babe in Bethlehem who lived a perfect life and suffered and died for us we have the chance to be redeemed. To keep trying and do better. We have the chance and blessing to know we will be with Tacen again. All will be made right and it will be glorious! This time of year as I reflect on this I am filled with joy, love, light, peace and comfort! I am so grateful to be able to reflect on His birth and all that it means to me! 

Thankful

This time of year is a time to really ponder all that we are thankful for. I've been kind of MIA from Tacen's blog. No particular reason, life is busy. But I can't let this month pass without writing how Thanful I am. I am so thankful that I have Tacen as a son. I am so thankful for all he taught me. For his sweet smile, his gorgeous blue eyes and that he made me a mother. I am thankful for his hugs and snuggles and the way he used to kiss me on the lips goodnight. I am thankful to know that I will see him again! That he is in a beautiful place. That he is well and healed and free from the cares and pains that troubled his mortal body. I am thankful for his love and example. I am thankful to feel him near and to know he is watching over and protecting our family. I am thankful to have the best guardian angel I could ever ask for or imagine. I'm thankful that Daxon is really beginning to know his brother and that Iszella will too. I'm unbelievably thankful for all the pictures and videos I have of my sweet boy. The memories that fill my mind. I am thankful for Tacen! I wouldn't give up the heartache if it meant I wouldn't have known the love that Tacen brought and continues to bring in my life! I can't wait until I can see him again! On that day I will be more thankful than I can imagine for the Plan of Salvation, the covenants I've made and the change I will have to be with my sweet boy and raise him! It will be ever so glorious!

3 Years...

3 Years ago today we said goodbye (for now) to our sweet Tacen. I can't believe it's been 3 years and then again it feels like so much longer than that! During this time of year I can't help but reflect on those final days. A few things that come to mind. We had been in Utah for my Grandpa Knight's funeral and when we flew to meet Cade I remember how thrilled Tacen was to see Cade. He just clung to him. There is an image burned in my memory of those two hugging.  I remember the fun we had in Ft. Worth Texas. The time spent swimming in the pool with Tacen laughing so hard. Going to the stalk yard and him seeing the animals. Feeling and knowing that a regression was coming, but having no idea what was ahead of us.
I remember the last day we had him at home with us. He spent the majority of the day sitting on the couch watching Curious George. I remember sitting by him and wishing and hoping so badly that we could fix his walking problems. All the while waiting to hear back from Dr. Fulton (our neurologist).
I remember taking him in for a direct admit and leaving he and Cade at the hospital that night, not knowing that just a week later he wouldn't be with us any longer!
I remember feeling so torn between taking care of Daxon and being there for Tacen. I knew Daxon couldn't handle staying at the hospital 24 hrs a day so I had to go home at night for him to sleep. He wouldn't take a bottle and so I had to be there to feed him.  It seemed that each night something went down hill and things worsened. It was so hard for me to feel so torn between my two sons. Wishing I could be there for both of them, but knowing it wasn't possible!
I remember as things worsened really feeling comforted and that I knew it would be ok. I remember a blessing my father gave me blessing me that Tacen would be healed. As time went on I knew that the realization of that blessing wasn't what I had hoped for. Tacen wouldn't be healed here in this life, but he is now healed. I know he is whole and perfect and without pain!
I remember coming to the realization that Heavenly Father could perform a miracle. We knew all along it was possible, but that if He wasn't going to do so we were ready to let our little boy go. I remember that was the hardest decision I've ever had to make or hope to make. I remember our sweet Bishop and wonderful friend Vince Longshore advising us that we need to let Tacen know. Those little spirits are strong and will fight. We had been asking Tacen to fight and stay with us and I know he was!
I remember just sitting with him and holding him. I remember singing him I Am A Child Of God for the last night. I remember sitting there holding him with Cade as he passed on to the other side.
This is not a trial I would wish upon anyone.  My heart will forever have a hole in it that will only be filled by our reunion some day. But as a sweet friend advised us the edges do soften. You get more used to it. I have grown! I have learned! I hope that I am better! I can do hard things! I remember feeling like I couldn't imagine how I could make it through a day, a week, a month or a year without our sweet boy. I've made it 3 years and we are 3 years closer to seeing Tacen again! I'll always miss him! I love you my sweet boy!

In my Thoughts

Tacen has been in my thoughts extra the last few weeks. I'm not sure why. Perhaps that his 3 year angelversary is this month. Or we went had family pictures and I'm always reminded he's not in them. I'm not honestly sure. I was looking at the picture I edited and added him in and I it got me thinking about how different Tacen is compared to Daxon and Iszella. He was such a big build, his coloring, you name it. I so often think about how life would be if he were here with us. He would be a crazy five year old. I have no doubt life would be crazier and more eventful than it is. I often sit and wish so badly that he could be here. I wish we could have him here to interact with. To love. I wonder how Daxon and Iszella would be different having Tacen here as their older brother. I wonder how I would be different not having gone through a loss. I like to think that I'm a better version of myself because of the experiences I've had. I like to think I do better than I otherwise would at cherishing the little moments and enjoying my children even more.
I just find myself missing you buddy. Thinking about you and letting the tears fall. Thinking about the dreams and hopes I had for you that aren't happening right now. Thinking about you. Missing you. There's really nothing else I can say. I miss you! You have apart of my heart and it won't be complete again until I'm with you once more.
To you Tacen: I love you buddy. I hope you know that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss you. Oct 29 will mark three years since your passing! Most days it feels so much longer than that. Yet, it feels like an accomplishment to have made it this far. It feels like a dream that you were once here with us. Yet, I am glad we are three years closer to seeing you. I often dream about that day, the day I'll see you again. I wish it could be tomorrow! I often think about how right after you passed away I wasn't sure how I would get through the day let alone a year. Now it's been almost three. I can do hard things. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being such an example to me and our family! Please know how much we love you. You'll never be forgotten sweet boy!
All my love,
Mom

Words of Comfort

As I continue to wade through my own journey of grief I have found comfort in these words recently. I've learned it's not something you get over, its something that becomes a part of you!  Each of these have touched me. They've strengthened me in my journey.

"The birth and death of Jesus Christ are so much more meaningful to me now, and I worship Him for His gifts of Atonement and Resurrection. Relying on the strength of the Lord and feeling His love has filled me with faith and blessed me with hope. At times when sorrow seems unbearable, He helps me bear the burden. His love came as an unexpected gift, and it continues to bless me in the most wonderful ways." "Sustained by God's Love" July 2015 Ensign

I can testify of this same feeling. Especially in the days and months just following Tacen's death I know that I got through those most difficult moments because of my Savior. He gave me the strength when I knew I didn't have it within myself. I still have moments when I feel saddened knowing Tacen is not here with us and I know my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ are what help me to let go of those feelings.

"Joshua 1:9 -  Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for theLord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

I hear this recently at a sacrament meeting where the speaker spoke of his older son passing away and I loved it!

"The death of a loved one may come unexpectedly. It is the witness from the Holy Ghost of the reality of a loving Heavenly Father and a resurrected Savior that gives us hope and comfort at the loss of a loved one. That testimony must be fresh when death occurs." Pres Eyring Oct 2015 General Conference 

I can also attest of the light, hope and strength I found in the knowledge the Church of Jesus Christ offers. My testimony carried me through. Knowing that I can see Tacen again is something I hold dear. Its something I need in my life. I need to know I can be with him and I can't wait!

While in sacarment meeting we sung this song and tears came to my eyes as I envisioned this beautiful picture in my mind of my sorrows and grief being gone, my purest joy and desire of being with Tacen again and having my family all together being fulfilled. What a beautiful image! A day when our Savior will reign on the earth and all will be perfect! I look forward to this day.

Hymn # 124 "Be Still, My Soul" verse 3 Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on When we shall be forever with Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Tacen's My Brother

We were given this darling block when Tacen passed away! I love it. We've had it out, but I moved things around the the other day and Daxon came out to find it. He pointed to it and said, "Mom I want that in my room!" I asked if he meant this picture with Tacen. He said yes. So we took it into his room and he has it in there. This boy knows and loves his brother in a way that I worried wouldn't be possible! I was so concerned when Tacen passed away that he would be forgotten. How I would I teach his siblings about him? I have been amazed how natural it has been to teach them about Tacen. If asked Daxon will tell you that Tacen is his brother. He is in heaven and he lives with Jesus! His faith and confidence in this knowledge strengthens me! He loves looking at pictures or watching videos of Tacen. He talks of him often. I know he knows him and I know his misses him! We sure love Tacen and I am so happy his brother does too! 

Along with this, Daxon has another picture of Tacen in his room. One of the few pictures we have of Tacen and Daxon together in the laundry bin. We were in Iszella's room and he said to me, "Mom, where is Tacen?" He noticed there wasn't a picture of Tacen in her room. I guess we'll let her decide as she grows up if she wants a picture of Tacen in her room. But Daxon noticed and it was so sweet! 

Song of My Heart

Yesterday at church, during sacrament meeting, we were singing the song "I Believe in Christ" hymn #134. As I sung and listened to the words I was struck with the power and meaning and tears came to my eyes. The words of the fourth verse are:

I believe in Christ; he stands supreme!
From him I'll gain my fondest dream;
And while I strive through grief and pain,
His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain."
I believe in Christ; so come what may,
With him I'll stand in that great day
When on this earth he comes again
To rule among the sons of men.

So much of this song speaks to me. I thought of the words "From him I'll gain my fondest dream." My fondest and most desired dream is to by with my family forever. Along with this comes the hope and desire to be with Tacen again! Because of Jesus Christ, this will one day happen. I will be with Tacen again!
The next part reads, "And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'" I have felt to a very small extent how I have been able pass through my grief and pain of losing Tacen and I have been able to press forward.  I owe this a loving Savior, who has carried me through the days I couldn't get through on my own.
I love the next part, "I believe in Christ; so come what may." I know that through Christ I can do anything. I can do hard things. I have done hard things and I continue to do hard things. That is a lesson I have learned over the past almost 3 years!
Finally, I loved the last part, "With him I'll stand in that great day.  When on this earth he comes again to rule among the songs of men." Can you imagine what a beautiful day this will be? The day when our Savior comes again to this earth. When we are under his perfect rule. I long for this day because I know it is then that I will be with Tacen again, but I also know that it will be beautiful. The awful parts of this world will be gone. We will live in happiness and joy!

This song really struck my heart strings yesterday and reminded me so much of all I've learned, of the testimony that I have of my Savior, Jesus Christ! The strength he provides! I've grown since the passing of our son Tacen. I continue to learn and grow. I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who strengthen me. I'm thankful to know that because of Him I will gain my fondest dream!

We All Face Challenges

I've been thinking over the past week or so about how we are all the same. Even though we all have vastly different experiences, we are so similar. Many of us have the same hopes and dreams for ourselves and families. Many of us are faced with challenges. Each is different. For some, like myself, they are faced with the loss of a child or loved one. Others long desperately to have a child, husband or family of their own despite many trials. Whether its that they can't have children of their own, or they simply have not found the person they wish to have a family with and spend their life together. Some struggle with the ability to have several children and each day is long and tiring. Some face difficult health challenges and diseases where the battle is real and they are fighting for their life and strength to overcome! Each of us in our own way is struggling with something.
Since the passing of Tacen I have tried to be more aware of those around me who are having their own individual struggles and think how I can reach out and help them. This is something I have to work at constantly. I'm not perfect, but I know those who reached out in love and concern during our difficult time brought me so much added strength and I know we each need this irregardless of what it is we are faced to overcome. We need each other. A smile, a simple gesture!
I just keep hoping we can look outside of ourselves and strengthen each other. I think so often of Tacen and how I need to be happy for him. I need to do all I can to make myself the best person. My journey in this life isn't over. Tacen's is, but mine is not. I still have more to experience and learn. I still have the ability to strive to make myself a better person. I don't want to waste the time I'm given! Life is short! Let's help each other! Let's see the good! Let's be more today!

Kindergarten

I've played back in forth in my mind to write something and today I just feel like it should write it out. My facebook and instagram has been filled with posts of children on their first day of school. Many of the babies born near Tacen are starting Kindergarten this year. I debated heavily about holding him back even when he was 2. I guess that's the teacher in me coming out. He was behind and I'm pretty certain I would have waited for him to start until next year. Yet, he would be 5! He very easily could have been having his first day of school! I would have been a hot mess I'm sure thinking about sending him into the world. I would have taken his first day of school picture! I would have gotten him new school clothes, a back pack and all the beginning of the year things. Then I would have sat home wondering how he was doing at school. Thinking about how he was doing and waiting anxiously to hear how his first day went. This is another one of the firsts that I am missing out on right now. I wish so much that I could post a picture of Tacen getting ready for school. It's crazy to me to even consider having a 5 year old. I can't even imagine what it would be like, but I as I watch all the cute little kids that were born in 2010 when he was it let's me peek into what he might have been like, what he will be like someday. I would have wondered if I'd taught him enough. If he would be kind to those around him, if they would be kind to him. If he'd make friends. To think of him coming home and telling me about his first day. I think about this often in my own way though. I didn't have enough time with him here. I didn't get to teach him everything I thought I would. I often wonder if I did enough. 28 months isn't long enough to teach someone. I wish I'd had 5 years until I sent him off. I wish he was here making our life crazier. But at least we are almost 3 years closer to seeing him again. Love you sweet boy! Missing you and wishing you were here to go to school and be a little boy with us now!

Mom, Tacen will come from the sky!

Monday evening for Family Home Evening we were talking about when Jesus Christ visited the Americas. We decided to play a portion from "The Testaments" movie. The last scene is when Jesus visits the Americas. Christ appears to them, blesses the children and heals the sick. After watching this we had a good discussion about the resurrection. We talked about how Jesus was resurrected, how when we pass away we will one day be resurrected and how Tacen will one day be resurrected. Today as we were out for our run Daxon was looking up at the sky and he said, "Mom Tacen will come from the sky!" It took me a second, but I soon realized that he was talking about how when Christ appeared to the Nephites he came from the sky and he knew Tacen would too. He then asked/told me later in the day, "Mom Tacen's my brother!"
I'm beyond grateful that we will one day be able to see Tacen again! I'm grateful that we are able to teach our children not only about our Savior and his resurrection, but also that our son and their brother will be resurrected too! This is a truth that has blessed my life each and every day since Tacen's passing. It meant so much to me to see Daxon understanding this too!

Celebrating with Us

We had so many people reach out to us on Tacen's birthday. There were many who set off balloons and sent pictures, we also received many texts and messages. We heard of others taking the day and spending some time in the water. Thank you to all who reached out to us and thought of Tacen on his birthday. It didn't go unnoticed! We love and appreciate the support we received!

Celebrating Tacen's 5th Birthday

Thursday July 2, 2015 was Tacen's 5th birthday. We decided not long after Tacen passed away that we want to spend the day playing in the water. A while back we got a Pass of All Passes to Seven Peaks and when we did I knew we would spend Tacen's birthday there. We had been out in Midway visiting some friends. We got up and headed down to Seven Peaks. With our pass we can get in at 10am. We decided to get some tubes today and go down some of the slides that require tubes that we hadn't done before. We had such a great day at Seven Peaks! Daxon discovered Tykes Peak and LOVED it! It's a slide mean to simulate the bigger slides and I think Daxon went down 20+ times. He would go down and run back up over and over! It was super cute to see! Spending 3-4 hours in the water playing as a family was the perfect way to celebrate Tacen!
After our day at Seven Peaks we headed up to ID to visit Cade's sister and her family. We haven't been able to visit them since we moved back from Memphis and it was great to finally have the chance. The kids zonked and slept for part of the way up and that was wonderful. Cade's sister and family were so thoughtful and had made cupcakes and per our request a meal with rice since that was Tacen's favorite, Hawaiian Haystacks! We enjoyed our dinner and cupcakes with ice cream, then we headed outside to let off Tacen's 5 balloons. I love this tradition and way to celebrate Tacen. It really helps me to be able to take this day for him!
Finally my dad had gotten a big firework from a specialist and he sent it with us to set off since we had fireworks going off outside our room right after Tacen was born. We set them off in the light because we needed to get our kids to bed, but they were way bigger than we were expecting and still cool.
I'm so thankful for a day to celebrate our Tacen! This year was nice having family surrounding me and being so busy. It made it easier to play and celebrate than to get caught in the sadness I feel of not having him here with us. I love being busy. It keeps me smiling and keeps my mind distracted. Its hard to imagine what Tacen would be like at 5. It's hard to imagine him and hard at the same time to know we've been parents for 5 years and we don't have a 5 year old. We love this boy so much. We miss him. We celebrated him on his birthday and we look forward to the day we'll see him again.