Christmas in Heaven

Tacen December 2010

My sweet friend Chelsey shared this poem with me in 2012 when we had to celebrate our first Christmas without Tacen. I love it! I love thinking of Tacen up in Heaven and all the wonderful things he must be seeing and doing!

Christmas In Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below 

With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow. 

The sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear 

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear 

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. 

I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring 

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing. 

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year. 

I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place 

Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face? 

I'll ask him to lift your spirit as I tell you of your love 

So, then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above. 

Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing 

For I am spending Christmas in heaven and I'm walking with the King.

By Wanda Bencke

You see it is because of Christ that I know I can see my sweet Tacen again. It is because He was born all those years ago. Because He was willing to die for me and all of us. This time of year there is a special spirit and that is the spirit of Christ. We can celebrate Him. His life, his birth the miracle of it all. I can know that I'll be with my sweet Tacen again.

Just the other night before bed Cade and I were discussing Tacen. I was talking about how it all seems like a dream him being here in our lives. I was talking about how if the resurrection happened now that Daxon would be physically older than Tacen and how strange that all is. That night I was blessed to have a dream with Tacen in it. Oh how I love those dreams, because for those few sweet moments it feels like I am with him again. I got to see his sweet smile and in my dream I heard him say, "mommy." I got to hold him and hug him.  I got to think about how he had so many struggles before he passed and how when he is resurrected he'll be perfect. He'll be able to run like he was never able here on earth. I got to think about how his language will progress and he'll be able to talk with us. And in my dream for those a brief moment I got to see it all. Oh how glorious it will be!

I know that it will be because of our Savior. So I celebrate Him, now and always! I think of my sweet boy in Heaven celebrating Christmas with our Savior and I smile because that's a beautiful image to think of!

My sweet friend Rachelle had this drawn for me and I love this picture and all that it represents so much!

Laundry Basket Fun

Just a week or so ago Daxon and Cade were playing in with the laundry basket and Daxon wanted Cade to push him with Iszella in the basket. I stopped to take some pictures and instantly flashed back to when Tacen and Daxon were being pushed around in the laundry basket. It's these small, simple moments that help me to keep Tacen alive in my life, my mind and my heart. I know he'll never be forgotten I won't let that happen, but sometimes it feels so much like a dream that he actually lived and when I feel these moments and remember him being here it warms my soul. I love seeing the many similarities with our children! 

Visiting the Cemetery - Figuring this out

Yesterday I was out in Roosytown taking Iszella to a dr appointment and visiting family. I had a minute to drop by the cemetery by myself and visit Tacen's grave. Over the last 2 years this hasn't been something I could do regularly.  Because in our first year we made 2 trips and in our second we didn't make any to Utah from TN, we hadn't had the chance to go often. It wasn't a normal part of grieving and experiencing this loss.
Now that visiting the cemetery and Tacen's grave/headstone is a possibility it brings a mixture of feelings and emotions. I have from the beginning felt that this was a memorial to our son. The design of his headstone shows that. But I have felt strongly that he's not there. If I want to feel Tacen near I got to the temple. I haven't been to the temple since Tacen passed without feeling his presence near. He's not with his body right now. His spirit is separated for a time.

Yet, as his mother I feel like I need to visit. I feel like that's my duty. As I've gone I am often filled with sadness and a feeling of how unfair it is to not have Tacen here with us now. Its a physical reminder that he's not here any more. It's something I am trying to sort out now that visiting is an option as it hasn't been before now. It's one of those things that I have to figure out along the way of this path that has been presented before me. Losing a child was never something I imagined would happen to me. Having to go through this process was not something I'd ever ask for. Yet here I am and it has happened. So I learn. I grow. I experience. Throughout all this I figure out what works for me. I figure out how I will deal with this. How I can learn and grow and become a better version of myself. Because everything happens for a reason.
I miss my sweet boy desperately. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. I could let that overcome me, but what would that accomplish? In my mind nothing. So I see each new challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow. I see it as a way that I can become more emphatic for those I know who have lost loved ones and for those I will encounter in the future. I see it as a chance to figure things out in life. Isn't that part of life? So for now I am trying to figure out how visiting Tacen's mortal memorial can be a part of my life. How I will handle this. It's not something I thought it'd do.
I know each one of us has many things that happen in our life that we never thought we'd have to experience. Many things that we never thought we'd have to do. And for me the important part is to face these challenges. Figuring out what works for us and putting one foot in front of other. Moving forward and doing the very best we can!

Pumpkins and I'm Batty for Daddy

There are little things that I love to do and one of those is putting my children in similar clothes and take pictures. So I knew we needed to get a picture of Iszella in the Batty for Daddy onesie with a pumpkin just like I already had of Tacen and Daxon. I love doing something like this when I can't have them all here together right now.

Tacen 2010

Daxon 2012

Iszella 2014

Sure do love these precious little ones! 

2 Children Together

Today marks the day that we have officially had Daxon and Iszella here together longer than we had Tacen and Daxon together! Each of these milestones that we make it past are such a blessing. Tacen wasn't very fond of Daxon, but over time he warmed up to the idea of a little brother. One of the many things I missed and felt such a loss over was the fact that all the dreams I had envisioned for Tacen and Daxon in growing up together and having each other were shattered! 

In my mind Daxon was never meant to be the oldest sibling. He was supposed to have Tacen here to show him the ropes, watch out for him and be his big brother. I know that Tacen is still watching out for him from the other side, but its still sad to think about him not being here with Daxon.

When we lost Tacen I knew that I wanted Daxon to have another sibling. When we had Iszella I would have never expected how well Daxon would fill that role. I worried about him and how he would handle it, but he loved her instantly. He adores his sister and she adores him. It's a mutual feeling! Seeing them together continually melts my heart and warms my soul. Seeing them interact and love each other at such a young age has been so rewarding. Hopefully they'll never have to know what its like not having one another. Seeing them together for me has filled a void that has been present since we lost Tacen. I firmly believe every child needs a sibling and I love seeing our children together.  I love knowing that Tacen will always be watching over his siblings and also that Daxon and Iszella have each other together now. It's been so hard seeing Daxon longing to have a friend to play with or loving playing with friends and knowing that Tacen should be here for him. They should be little buddies, arguing no doubt, but little buddies all the same. 

I'm unbelievable grateful we are able to have Daxon and Iszella together! I'm grateful they are healthy and doing well and we are able to watch them growing and see their ever budding relationship. I have been a little extra anxious for Iszella to grow up so that she can play with Daxon and I can see them having a relationship that we didn't get to see through with Tacen and Daxon. Yet they already love each other and interact so well at such a young age. Hooray for making it past another milestone!

2 Years

It's been 2 years today since our sweet Tacen passed away! Over the last week I have replayed Tacen's final days and moments in my mind. I have a vivid memory of the last Monday (Oct. 22, 2012). Tacen wasn't feeling well. I had been working to get a hold of Dr. Fulton our neurologist. Tacen wasn't walking (looking back on it I think he made have some paralysis at this point) and we spent much of the day watching TV. I sat next to Tace as he watched his show and I was watching some netflix shoes on the laptop. I have felt sorrow that I didn't just sit and really "be" with him all the way. That's one thing I would have changed if I had known what was coming. I never would have imagined when we took Tacen to the hospital that he wouldn't be coming home with us. We thought we were FINALLY going to get some answers and get things going better for his walking. However, along with that I am thankful we had a week to really comprehend what was happening and accept that Tacen wasn't going to be with us any longer!
It's hard during this time of year not to go back to that time. To his last week and all that transpired. I always feel such mixed feelings. One that we've made it 2 entire years! In the hours, and days following his passing I didn't know how we'd go on and move forward without Tacen. But we've made it this far! We've done it! I know we can continue to do so! I know our Heavenly Father is constantly on our side, carrying us through the difficult days and helping us move on.
In contrast it also feels like FOREVER since I saw Tacen, held him and was with him. It's such a mixture of emotions and feelings.
I do know that Heavenly Father sent us Daxon and Iszella and they were exactly that we needed in our lives over the past two years. They are such a joy to have! Daxon is really beginning to know and learn about his brother Tacen. He knows that he is with Jesus. Just a couple weeks ago in Sacrament meeting I was talking to Daxon about the Sacrament Ordinance taking place and how it was to help us think of Jesus and Daxon looked at me and said "Tacen is with Jesus!"  Daxon and Iszella are such a blessing from Heaven! As is Tacen. Even though we no longer get to have Tacen here with us, he is ours forever! I know one day we will be with him again.
I know he is there watching over us. I miss him terribly. That never goes away! I have gotten more used to it. I have adjusted and adapted. I'm so thankful that we have made it through 2 entire years since he passed. I'm thankful for each person who has made it easier. For the incredible support and love we have been shown time and time again. The people who have touched our lives along the way have been a true heaven send.
My sweet boy, I love you! I think about you all the time. There is not a day that goes by that you don't come into my mind. You taught me so much while you were here with us on earth. You changed me as a person and a mother. Thank you sweet boy for being you! For being apart of our family! Thank you for allowing us to feel your presence and know that you are nearer than we realize. I love you!
Your, Mom

Primary Program

Sunday (10.26.14) was our primary program in our ward. There is one Sunday a year where the children give small speaking parts and sing songs for our congregation. I adore the primary program. It's always so cute to see the kids giving their parts and hearing them sing. Children have a special spirit about them.
Yesterday as the children were going up to begin the program I was hit with the realization that Tacen should have been up there. He should be a sunbeam (the class he would be in) and he should have been in the program. We haven't had a lot of significant milestones that we've missed yet and I know they'll be coming as time passes, but this one really hit me.  I spent much of the program with tears streaming down my face just missing Tacen and thinking about how he should have been up there with other children. It's those small milestones that seem to creep up sometimes. The realization of the fact that in this life they won't happen is hard to take some days. For me yesterday was one of those days.
I know my emotions and feelings are raw and we approach the 2nd anniversary of Tacen passing this week and that didn't add to the emotions of it all. I found out later that day that it was also the primary program in our old ward in Memphis. So if we had stayed there or moved here it would have been his first primary program either way.
I wish I could have been a beaming parent as I watched him go up to the pulpit and give his part. I wish that I could have watched him up there singing the songs. Pointing out to Daxon where he was up there. It would have been so much fun to see. But for now that won't be my reality. For now I will hold onto the memories that I have and cherish the times that Daxon talks about Tacen. I will help his siblings to know him. Because he is still my son. He is still their brother. We are still a family. We will have days where we miss him more than others and there will be milestones we realize we are missing.

Grief...it never goes away

Tacen has been filling my thoughts a lot lately. I miss him. I go through periods of time where I think I'm doing better. I've adapted. Adjusted. Then it hits me out of no where and I just miss him. I have small moments often in my day to day life where I'll wish he was here with us. But then there are days where he fills my thoughts and I really notice that he's not here. I am so overly aware of his absence.
I'm not sure what it is about this year but I have been distinctly aware of the approaching dates in relation to our last few weeks to month we had with Tacen. We've hung this pumpkin picture in our living room area and I look at it often.

As I looked at this picture I recalled my sweet mother wanting to get some pumpkins and take pictures of Tacen. Because of her desire (and honestly probably prompting) we have a dozen or more pictures of Tacen just 2 weeks before he passed away. We have many faces and reactions. I love looking through those pictures and thinking of him. My mom had gotten him a couple new hot wheels cars (a favorite of his) and he had so much fun just driving them on the pumpkins.
I hate this its almost been two years since we had Tacen here with us. I hate that we have to be separated right now. I miss him! Yet sometimes it feels so much longer than just two years. Other times I'm amazed I've made it this far.
I just miss this sweet boy. Tacen you are in my thoughts often. Sometimes (like today) the grief creeps in a little more than usual. I let it take over. I cry. I think of you. I watch the videos we have of you and I remember what it was like having you here. I find I have to take those moments when they come. I have to continue to go through the process of grief. It's different for everyone. But it's real. It doesn't go away as time passes. Its still here. That's when I know that my love for you, my relationship as your mother is real. You are real even if you are not here. I know that having you here with us wasn't a dream, even though sometimes it feels as though it was. It was a beautiful dream! Until that becomes a reality again one day I keep thinking of you, my sweet boy. I try to let your memory and life live on in me. Thanks for teaching me so much. I love you!

Angels Among Us

Oh I believe there are, angels among us
Sent down to us, from somewhere up above
They come to you and me, in our darkest hours
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of love.
("Angels Among Us" Alabama)

We had a regional stake conference broadcast on Sunday 9.14.14  Elder Russel M. Nelson was one of the speakers and he spoke about angel. Not the kind with big fluffy, floofy wings, but they kind that are messengers, protectors or just the kind among us who listen to the spirit and help those around them.
After I listened to that talk it stuck with me. Over the past almost 2 years there have been many times when I know Tacen has been near watching over me and our family. There are times when after something happens I know that I was only kept safe because of some unseen being and I choose to believe that it's often Tacen watching over us.
One time last summer we were out biking. Daxon was just over one and riding in the bike trailer. Cade was pulling him and I was riding along with them when a german shepherd dog came out of know where and ran into my bike near my ankle. The dog hit be hard enough I should have fallen over, but I didn't. Then the dog proceeded to try to jump on the trailer and get Daxon. I was filled with rage and adrenaline. It scared us quite a bit. Later as I thought over that instance I fully realized I SHOULD have fallen over! I know Tacen was there watching over us. If I'd fallen over I have no doubt that dog would have bitten me and I'm sure I would have been injured!
I also often felt Tacen near watching over me during my pregnancy with Iszella. I felt like he was trying to keep us both safe and get her here to be apart of our family!
I recently read this quote from a family member's instagram and it again reminded of this thought of angles!

"Those we love don't go away they walk beside us every day unseen, unheard, but always near." -unknown

I would do anything to have my sweet Tacen back with me, but I find it a blessing of him being gone to have our own guardian angel watching over our family. I know he loves us and wants what is best for his family. It brings me comfort to know someone I know and love so much is helping us out! It helps to ease the sting of sadness to realize these small and simple blessings that continue to be made evident in our lives!

I also have thought a lot about being an "angel" to someone in need. There have been many since we lost Tacen who have acted as "angels." They have answered prayers and blessed us in numerous ways far too many to count. I am still often amazed at the kindness and generosity of others. Often from those we don't know that well. It is those who we have been blessed to be surrounded by over the last 2 years who have also been angels. They have helped to make the hard days a little easier!
I think about how when we are in a better financial state how I want to be able to help others as we have been helped! I want to be a hand that helps others and gives back as we have been helped so much. I want to be in tune to the spirit and be able to be the hands to help Heavenly Father answer a prayer.

Love

We just moved across the country. In that process we went through things and I kept coming across pictures and movies on Daxon from the first year or so after Tacen passed away. There is something that I can't explain, but that I love about him here. As I reflected on it more I soon realized a big piece of that is that he saved me. Daxon gave me the much needed purpose I wouldn't have had after losing a child. He brought me (and continues to do so) indescribable joy! The more I thought about it the more I realized that when I see him at that age I see what helped me survive the hardest thing I've experienced in this life! I see my little sun spot in the clouds of grief! 

I've also been filled lately with the feelings of love and gratittude for these precious children. I often look at pictures of Tacen and I am so grateful I got to have him in our home and in our eternal family. I continue to learn so much from him!

Now I look at Daxon and Iszella and I am overcome often with love and joy to have them in our lives. They are little heaven sends to me! They help me better, more patient. They love me no matter what! That is part of being a parent giving of yourself. Being selfless and being loved in return. It's not always easy, but for me its always been worth it!

Same Age

Today marks a significant milestone. Daxon. Is as old today as Tacen was the day he passed away. I feel like I can breath a small breath of relief and I also feel like we are in uncharted territory! It's strange that our second son is now as old as our oldest. It's strange that Tacen is immortalized at this age. It strange to watch Daxon pass up Tacen, yet it feels like Tacen should be older. 

I've been waiting to get past this point. I'm thankful, so thankful that Daxon is still doing well and healthy! It's a blessing to watch him grow and develop normally! To watch him progress and grow!  It's a blessing! It's strange to me to think that from here on out we will have had Daxon in our lives longer than we had Tacen here with us. It again strikes me how short a time we had Tacen here with us! It wasn't long enough! Yet I'm grateful and hopeful we can continue to have Daxon here with us and watch him grow knowing that some day we'll be with Tacen again. Until then I keep trying to do my best. Keep learning from the lessons Tacen taught me. Keep trying not to take each day with our little family for granted knowing it can all change too fast. But living grateful for the time we have! Loving these precious children we have in our lives no matter the length, but hoping for longer than we had Tace!

On My Mind

Tacen has been on my mind a lot lately. He fills my thoughts often. I miss him. We are just a few short days away from a large move across the country. We will be taking Daxon out of everything he's ever known and moving him to an entirely new place. I don't think this should affect Iszella too much, since she's so small.
As boxing things up and preparing to move has filled my thoughts and actions as of late I keep thinking of Tacen. I keep thinking how this was the last place he was with us. I keep thinking about how I can picture him playing in this home. That he lived with us here. I think of how when we move into our apartment he won't have lived there with us and every house we live in thereafter, he won't live there. I won't be able to picture him in our home.
It's also made me think of how many wonderful memories we've made here and how hard it is going to be to say goodbye. If you had told me 3 years ago when we moved here how drastic our life would change and all that we would go through I would have told you that you were crazy! Yet, here I am.
Change is hard! I have always struggled with change. So it should be no surprise that this upcoming change would be hard. Yet, this time around its a little different. I know we'll always remember Tacen. That it doesn't take a place to hold him close to my heart, but I feel like I'm losing a little piece of him by leaving. And that hurts a little...

Nothing I'd Rather Be Doing...

The night before and after Tacen's birthday we had a couple rough nights with both Daxon and Iszella. I woke up July 3 pretty tired and worn out, but all I could think about is how thankful I was to be able to get up with these children of ours! How I'd do anything for Daxon and Iszella because I know what it feels like to not have them here and anything I have to do for them lack of sleep and all is worth it. I was overwhelmed with the love that I feel for these children of mine.

I won't lie and say that I don't have my hard days and I know I could definitely be more patient. But even through the hard, frustrating, exhausting moments and days its worth it all because I love having these children in my life and I hope with all my hear that I won't have to experience the loss of another child in this life time! 

I sat watching Daxon 7.3.14 and thinking how much I love him. I sat thinking the day of Tacen's birthday and the day after how much he means to me! He saved me! Daxon continually brings me so much joy. He just makes me happy!

Now we have sweet Iszella in our lives. She looks so much like her brother it's uncanny! I love having a piece of him in a feminine form. She is such a sweet baby. She has filled a void in our lives and hearts. She's given us the chance to have siblings again in our family. 

Watching Daxon and Iszella together makes me happy inside and out! Daxon loves her so much and she already knows and loves him too! It's a special thing for us to watch and observe. Its something I've wanted in our family since the day Tacen passed away!

These children make me feel loved and needed and I wouldn't trade anything in my world for them! I'm thankful for them especially since I know what its like to lose one of these precious little ones. It's nothing I'd wish on anyone, but I learn and I grow. I know value these little children we do have a little more, because I need them a little more, I love them a little more! They're my life!

Celebrating T

We had so much fun seeing our family and friends celebrating T with us. We received pictures of people letting off balloons and also playing in the water. Both were perfect in remembering Tacen with us. We appreciate so much those who celebrated with us and shared their pictures or sent kind words on his special day! We are so blessed to be surrounded by so many who show us so much love! We hope Tacen caught a few of the balloons that were sent up his way!

A Tacen Day

July 2, 2014 - Tacen's 4th birthday. We had a good, but hard day, as was expected! We got up that day and had breakfast, banana pancakes, Tacen liked pancakes. Then we got ready and headed out to the splash park in Collierville. This was a favorite of Tacen's. Really anything with water brought a huge smile on his face!!! He always loved the water!

We had fun running around in the water and playing with Daxon. He enjoyed it. Sweet Iszella just slept in her carseat until it was time to eat. Then she ate and hung out in the front carrier, she was a trooper especially in the heat!  We ended off at the park before heading home for naps.

During nap time Cade picked up some blue balloons and we got showered. Once Daxon got up we headed into Lebonhuer. We went up to Bunny Lane and dropped off the toys our friends and family had given us to donate. I sadly didn't take any pictures.
We decided while we were at Le Bonhuer that we'd go to our Neurologist, Dr. Fulton's office and pick up Tacen's medical records. Dr. Fulton had also asked us to periodically give him an update on how Daxon was doing, since we never did find out what exactly Tacen had and there's no guarantee our other children won't have the same thing. Cade had been wanted to email Dr. Fulton a video showing how incredibly mobile Daxon really is.
While we were there I thought of our nurse, Lana who was a great connection in getting messages to Dr. Fulton and helping us get past the front desk. Cade asked for her or Dr. Fulton and she came out. We explained that we wanted to see if we could get an email or something to show Dr. Fulton Daxon. She proceeded to say, "oh, he's right here let me go get him!" They both came back out. They both remembered us well (which is slightly surprising since it had been almost two years since we'd been in and I'm certain they've seen 100's if not 1000's of patients)! We sat and talked with Dr. Fulton for an hour!
He was so pleased to see how well Daxon was doing and kept saying, "I'm so glad to see him doing so well." He's expecting a baby himself in a month or two. First child! We talked about that and our plans to move. We talked about Tacen. I mentioned the article I had seen about the children in California with their cells being slightly swollen and wondered if that was at all similar to Tacen. He said the symptoms might have been similiar, but the cause wouldn't have been. It was great to see Dr. Fulton again. He is such a kind, humble, intelligent man! We were so lucky to have him as Tacen's Dr. He even told me that he still had a note on his desk that nurse Lana had written when we called to ask some questions before Tacen was hospitalized. He said he just couldn't bring himself to throw it away, sentimental reasons. What a wonderful man. It was really lovely to see him and really added to our Tacen day!
After Le Bonhuer we came home and had Italian Chicken for dinner with rice. In honor of Tacen loving rice, then we blew out the candles on Tacen's cake, let off the balloons and enjoyed the cake while watching our Tacen video and picture slide show we made. We reminisced about our sweet boy. We miss him and wish so much that he was still here with, but we will be eternally grateful for the way he touched our lives and that we will be with him again. It was a nice day to remember our special boy and celebrate him!